Father Guido Sarducci, save us!

Last night we went to see "Nowhere Boy".  This was a very serious look at John Lennon's boyhood up until he performed in Hamburg.  The only disappointment was that there wasn't any Beatle music.  The movie was over before that happened.  It did show the viewer though, that almost every successful and talented performer has demons.  They only can be controlled for so long.  The key is to focus them into music or acting or whatever your chosen direction.  Clearly, Lennon had untapped talent.  The show took place in the 50s in Liverpool, by Strawberry Fields and Penny Lane.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 97% and I believe the performance warrants it.


Edhat (local) had a Halloween Story Contest.  Here are the winners....

It appears that the Rally To Restore Sanity was only partially successful- as sanity did not get restored.  It is nice to know that the Blues Brothers, Father Guido Sarducci and Ozzy Osbourne are there and ready for us, should we REALLY ever desire to return to "sanity".

We took Max for a walk down by the Santa Barbara pier and along Palm Park (where the Arts and Craft Show is on).  The weather was wonderful, bright and sunny.  All of us thought it was wonderful.  Max enjoyed himself by chasing pigeons.  Unfortunately, he repetitiously ran out of leash and did a RAPID stop.

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Jones, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hanged himself."

"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Mr. Jones replied. "I hung him up to dry."

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

• I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

• Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

• This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

• Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

• I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

• In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

• My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

• Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

• You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

• I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

• In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

• I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the
ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to,
with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and
their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised at times.
They would receive showers twice a week and have to pay to have their hair cut.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay
$15,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out alive.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 

  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 (THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON, JAMAICA

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.

Halloween Warning!

More on the dying of the Microsoft brand:  Now Microsoft thinks that their future is in the clouds(Windows Azure).  This is a short-sited paradigm shift that forged what IBM is today.  They have lost innovation and are becoming a me-too.  They still make money, but the company and brand is not what it was.  The personal computer almost killed IBM.  I think that the transitional paradigms of today will do the same (if it already hasn't) to Microsoft.

Well, the Vette went back on sale today.  Having previously dealt with at least one rude jerk and an error-prone tech-weenie; I wonder what is in store next.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned...

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

Feeling aged...

So where has the time gone ?  I remember when I was forty, but the time between forty and now is a blur.  The only solution that I can come up with to slow down is to return to simpler times.  The constant bombardment of data made available by today's technology has accelerated the passing of time.  Major events seem smaller.  Minor events have become mundane.  The day-to-day hum-drum bounces along like nothing is occurring at all, constantly accelerating.  Of course, it is chided on by technology's continuous interruptions (this is progress ?) by cell phones and email.  Getting old is not fun....

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time
of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into
an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but
our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using
every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns
his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the
sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-
mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks
up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is
there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on
my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt
and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she
says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets
off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the
island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Big Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

The Bathroom

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from a hotel chain.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

True Courtroom Exchanges
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?  

The American and the Welsh Farmers

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'  

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one

Like his mother used to do.

Top 10 Houses to Avoid while Trick-or-Treating
10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground.

9. Any house made of gingerbread.

8. Any house that has ornamental lawn Hell Hounds.

7. Any house whose only entrance is through the basement.

6. Any house where all the windows are glowing with eerie green light.

5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"

4. Any house where the trophy animal heads on the walls are talking.

3. Any house that has a bloody wood chipper prominently displayed in the front yard.

2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses.

And the number 1 house to avoid...

1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago.

Kids being kids...

I reveled over the new Nook Color that was announced yesterday.  Someone may have finally got it right, for a reasonable price.  This may be THE iPad competition, if the performance is there.  It certainly has all of the features that I would want in an eReader.

I realized today, again, how much I miss my kids being kids. I don't get to go to soccer games or meet their teachers, or volunteer at their school.  Much of the time I get ignored and so is my unsolicited advice.  They are grown and all the possible influence that I might have had is hopefully already ingrained in their good judgment.  I bug them to get some attention, but I feel ignored much of the time.  I really couldn't wait until they grew up so I wouldn't have to change diapers or punish them (it hurt me too).  Now that they are grown, I miss teaching them to ride a bike, shoot a gun, catch a fish, use a camera, and all of the craft projects that we all used to complain about but we (secretly) really enjoyed because it was family time well spent.  I watched them grow to the point that they don't need me anymore.  I guess I still need them, though.

Please Donate to this very important cause. With your help we can eradicate the horrible disease in our lifetime:

Don't hold liberals responsible for their opinion -- they can't help themselves.
A new study has concluded that ideology is not just a social thing, it's built into the DNA, borne along by a gene called DRD4. Tagged "the liberal gene," DRD4 is the first specific bit of human DNA that predisposes people to certain political views, the study's authors claim.

"We hypothesize that individuals with a genetic predisposition toward seeking out new experiences will tend to be more liberal, but only if they are embedded in a social context that provides them with multiple points of view," wrote lead researcher James H. Fowler -- a professor of medical genetics and political science at the University of California, San Diego.

The paper, which appears in the latest edition of The Journal of Politics, focused on 2,000 subjects from The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. By matching genetic information with maps of each individual's social network, the researchers were able to show that people with a specific variant of the DRD4 gene were more likely to be liberal as adults -- although only if they had an active adolescent social life.

The research, sponsored by the National Science Foundation, focused on dopamine -- a neurotransmitter that affects a wide variety of brain processes including control over movement, emotions, and ability to experience pleasure and pain. Previous research identified connections between a variant of this gene and novelty-seeking behavior, a personality trait that numerous studies have shown is linked to political liberalism, the authors say.
 [What a crock!!!] 

Women are pretty indecisive.

They spend the first twenty years of their active sex life saying, "Is THAT all you think of?"

And the next twenty years of their sex life saying, "Don't you EVER think of that?" 

Microsoft: Too big to fail ?

Here is a paradigm shift for you:  It happened to Burroughs and IBM and now to Microsoft. It's consumer brand is dying!  We knew that it began operating in the shadows of Google and Apple, but believed that "they were too big to fail"!  It's happening!  [Couldn't happen to a nicer company!]  But of course, they sill have megabucks of cash which they will probably use to buy their way back into goodness.

Kudos to Sears' for their Halloween website- Zombies galore! 







Both gubernatorial candidates were asked to remove their negative ads.  Jerry Brown agreed, but Meg Whitman refused.  She said they are truthful but may not be perceived as so....  Jerry Brown said, please continue using the ad that said that you moved to California thirty years ago because California was the land of opportunity and beautiful.  Jerry Brown was the governor then....

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?" 

One liners

What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.

What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."   Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"Hollywood Star Whackers" or Just Whacked Out ?

The Quaids are now trying to pass off a story to the Canadian officials that they fear for their lives.  They claim that many of their Hollywood friends have been murdered in strange ways and they feel that they are next.  The Canadian officials decline to comment on the mental condition of the Quaids, and whether they will be returned to the US or not.  Meanwhile, it would be an extreme stretch to believe that what they say is true.  
 

You know I just don't get sweepstakes.  I enter all of them.  Sometimes every day.   You'd think they would through me a bone- someday.  I play the state lottery and it's odd against winning are so bad that I almost have the same odds if I buy a ticket!  I don't ever seem to win anything, but I keep playing.  A friend of mine says to buy lottery tickets  early as you can so you get your money's worth in dream time!    Does anyone ever win sweepstakes ?  I never hear of it or see a list.  Perhaps they are just selling my entry information and the contest NEVER gets a winner!
 

My 1 day job

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ''Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?''

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ''Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?''
So I replied, ''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.''

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 

"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix,
Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,

"Well, most people here just call me Izzy."

Two old ladies sitting in church, one leans over and whispers to the other, "My butt is going to sleep." The other replies, "I know, I have heard it snore three times." 
 

Boooooooooo

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases

and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job.
 

We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or the next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while typing this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?  

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass. 

 

It's Only Monday ?

We watched the latest Karate Kid last night.  It was actually better than I expected it would be.  Believable, maybe not.  It was a good entry movie for Jaden Smith and a somewhat serious role for Jackie Chan, which he played pretty well.  I'm not sure which one I liked better, but to a new generation of kids, there is only the latest one.

Today was like three or four Mondays.  It was awesome.  It got to the point that I was reluctant to return to my office because the phone kept ringing.  In honor of all the people that got laid off, I am NOT complaining, just ragging a bit.

Well it looks like the World Series is set, Rangers vs Giants. I hope someone, somewhere is interested.  I guess it bothers me that grown men get to play a game shot up with drugs making boo- koo bucks AND they still charge a fortune to go to a game.  Even a hot-dog is $7.50 and up, depending where and what condiments.  I know somebody has to pay in order for the owner to pay the exorbitant salaries so that grown men can play a game, but it is just ridiculous.  SF vs Texas doesn't even strike me as an expected and natural kind of rivalry.

1. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

3. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

Answering Machine Recording:

"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now.......Now press the other one." 

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife asks: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan da increase.
The first is dat I iron better dan jou.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husben say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is dat I am better cook dan jou.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husbend did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The tird reason is dat I am better at sex dan jou in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...dah gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Two nuns are riding their bicycles back to the convent and decide to take a shortcut through an alley in the old part of town.
The first nun says "Wow, I've never come this way before."
The second nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."  

A man with two golf balls in his pocket sits beside a blond, as she stares at his crotch he says, golf balls. Blond replies.......... does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. 

Enough with all the election crap...

So last night we watched Ironman-2.  It is really interesting how the first one was so successful, so they added much more of the robots and explosions and they expected the second one to be just as good- too bad.

Today, we tried diligently to get a bunch of chores done before it starts raining.  It still hasn't started and the day is over.  The wind is blowing and the skies are dark, but no rain. 


This weekend went by way too fast.  I am sick and tired of all the election crap- ads, signs, radio jingles, poll calls..etc.  I am ready for the damned thing to be over with.  Meanwhile, after $145M of her own money thrown into the campaign, Meg Whitman is now 13 points below Jerry Brown.  She would have been better off buying the votes directly from each voter!

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing at the foot of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?"
he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a
dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

"I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
blow. Then along came another hen.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?"  Rob asked.

"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
bed!"

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know
that:

$665.99 = Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax

$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories

$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast

$333 = Half off sale on the sign of the beast

6, uh... what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast

00666 = Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over
18 only please.

Route 666 = Highway of the Beast

666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k = Retirement plan of the Beast

6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.

666MHz = CPU of the Beast

666i = BMW of the Beast

668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast

666A, 666B = Tenants of the beast

999 = Sign of the Australian Beast

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" 

The addiction....

There are a number of articles in the news about the arrogance and rudeness of smart phone users.  I look at it another way.  First, it is an addiction.  There is ABSOLUTELY no reason why I would have to answer a call or text or email within a few seconds of reception, thereby interrupting anything I'm doing.  Yesterday at work, there was a fellow texting with one hand while the other was busy "aiming" at the urinal.  Obviously, one or the other could (and should) have waited.  Secondly, why would ANYONE want to tweet everything that they are doing ?  Lewis Black said that Twitter is a stupid waste of time.  Why would I want to waste my time telling someone that had the time and inclination to read tweets that I just went to the restroom at the gas station and they are out of paper towels.  What else can you say in 140 character or less ? Thirdly, why would anyone complain about losing their identity when they plaster everything about their identity on Facebook so that all can read and anyone can steal.  Lastly, why is okay to have a Bluetooth earpiece on and walk all around in public places appearing to talk to yourself.  Can you imagine sitting in a stall at the gas station and having the guy in the next stall start a conversation.  You begin to answer and he says something like (to whoever is on the phone), "The guy in the next stall is trying to get into our conversation.  Maybe I'd better wait until I'm in a more private place.  How rude!"

I asked my daughter once why she was carrying her cell phone in her hand while she shops.  She said, "In case it rings".  I responded, "If it rings, you can dig it out of your pocket or purse".  And what did I get back..."It would be rude for me to make someone wait that might be texting or calling me!"   

So once again, I claim it is an addiction!

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking
through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits
are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries,

"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:

* Any part of your chair is painted camo.

* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.

* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as
decoration.

* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
Double points if you don't  care that it sucks your batteries dry
so long as the beer stays cold.

* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a
bitch to put on and you can't walk anyway.

* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.

* You installed a gun rack on back.

* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer
tap, or similar.

* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.

* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.

* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a
truck or hog.

* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars
and bars!

* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to
your chair.

* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.

* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.

* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.

* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.

* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.

* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing
or battery compartment of the chair.

* You, while in your chair, ever made any roadkill.

* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair
does.

* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your
chair.

* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.

* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as
you sit.

* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever
got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.

* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are
going to start making wheelchairs.

* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to
hang fuzzy dice from your chair.

* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if
the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!

* You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a
highway patrol cruiser while in your chair.

* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance
plan.

* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you
thought it might help pick up chicks.

* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point,
"now that's a good idea!"

Dumb Instructions

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

The Big Escape to Canada- foiled.

Did anybody notice that credit card companies and utilities companies have lost their patience ?  If the day comes that you are going to make your payment, and you haven't yet, but it's the last day- you will probably get some kind of nasty-gram phone call.  Used to be, things would just march along and a penalty would be applied.  Now they are sarcastically reminding you BEFORE the penalty is applied.  Oh for simpler times!

So when the Quaids didn't show up for their court date, I figured they were skipping town.  Today they were picked up in Canada and will be sent back to Santa Barbara to face the music.  Is this couple completely broke or have they lost their minds ?



Looks like the sharks are becoming active again at Central Coast beaches (i.e. Surf).  I wonder if the most recent attack was to a surfer wearing a black wetsuit that makes him look like a seal underwater ?  Certain very small preventative measure can sure make a big difference.  If the wetsuit was bright yellow or blue or green, the shark would have no idea what to make of it and more than likely would have ignored it.

Lines to make U smile

.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .

.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 


Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The Joy Of Irish Sex

THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish
aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his
mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride".

His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her
with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic
smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".

FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at
his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches
the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the
back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant
"Here we go, here we go, here we go"

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8
incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very
tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of
encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It
never happens to the Milkman".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his
wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth
round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to
her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then",
she says "but don't disturb me".

DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the
man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may
suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot
me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for
disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments
such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever
come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the
woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite,
arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting
away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.

The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes
she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?
" Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm.
This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big
Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep,
and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world
performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom
of sex.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'