The coffee machine hummed, spit and whirred. Soon my morning elixir would be hot and available. Max what whining to get out. I let him out of his confining crate and then the back door. In spite of his expressed need, he circled the lawn and a few of the shrubs for what seemed like minutes before relieving himself and returning into the kitchen. He headed for his dish to see if I had gotten there yet with his morning food. The coffee machine finally became quiet. I poured myself a cup of provocation. The first swallow was truly enlightening, stirring up my energies and giving me the feelings of a cartoon character running in place before zipping away. Why do cartoon characters often run in place for three seconds before they take off? Sometimes, that lolly gag gets them caught!
Grabbed the recycling and a can of cat food and headed first to the laundry room (aka cat's overnight lair), fed her and headed to the bins outside. When I came back into the house, I made Terre's lunch, packed with a fresh and clean napkin and delivered to her bedroom door. Back to the kitchen to fetch a cup of sanity and sentience for Terre. Delivering it, I announced that it was time to get up, shook her leg through the blankets and announced it again.
Would the paper be there yet ? I gingerly opened the front door, shut off the porch lights, and meandered to the driveway, quickly wondering whether the paper guy(?) tossed it under the truck or in a more retrievable location this morning. There it lied, next to the truck. As I bent down to pick it up, I heard neighbors in their driveway, oblivious that I was witnessing their disregard for sleepers in the area by their loud recourse.
Back in the kitchen, my coffee (the morning's BFF), breakfast cereal and the paper. I devoured them and then brushed my teeth and began my morning two mile commute to work. The day has begun....
Unfortunately, it didn't get much better....
Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do.
Why is this?
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces...
That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.
Randy the rooster
There was a chicken farmer and he had 200 hens. The farmer wanted to have some chicks so he went to the other chicken farmer down the road to buy a rooster. The farmer asked the other chicken farmer if he had a few roosters to service his 200 chickens.
The farmer was surprised when the salesman said he had one rooster that would service all the chickens and his name was randy the rooster.
The farmer paid a great deal for randy the rooster and went on his way.
When they arrived back at the farm the farmer gave randy a quick pep talk.
"Now Randy there's 200 hens that need your services so I want you to pace yourself and steady goes it. I don't want you to hurt yourself cuz you are an expensive lil shit." Said the farmer
Randy the rooster was off like a shot. He nailed all 200 hens, he humped the piss outta em, 3-4 times a piece.
Then Randy the rooster raced to the pond. He tapped the geese, then he flew down to the creek and raped the ducks.
As soon as he was done there he raced back to the barn and up in the rafters where he fucked the pigeons.
The farmer was really amazed at his new rooster but went to bed.
The next morning the farmer looked out and say randy the rooster lying in the yard. He was as stiff as his dick the day before.
When the farmer went outside where the buzzards were circling above. He was very bummed to loose such a colorful animal.
as he was crying when randy opened an eye and said "shhh they're getting closer."
How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station??
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."
