Sadness at the fate of Robin Williams (R.I.P.). Why are the most creative and funny always requiring drugs to contend with the world's stresses? Why are they always trying to escape from their successes? The four best friends, Williams, Kaufman, Belushi, and Reeve are together again...
THE PARKING TICKET
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.
Riders
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
Quick Funnies
"Mom and I went and saw 'The Passion'. This is the third time Mom and I have seen it. We've seen it so many times that we're now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night. At the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there's a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That's not right." --David Letterman
---
A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..."
---
It was 18 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.
Computer Novices
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
An Addiction
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
Cooking Dictionary
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Tidbits
I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"
---
"Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood." --Amy Yasbeck as Peggy Brandt in "The Mask".
---
"This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!" --Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Big Daddy."
Taking a Walk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
Quick Quotes
"My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather." --Jackie Mason
---
"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon
---
"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." --Rodney Dangerfield
Blues Names
Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.
First List:
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye
Second List:
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke
Third List:
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison
Make sure you tell your friends what their Blues Names are.
