Well, tomorrow is election day. I guess I should be excited but I expect that "change" won't really buy us any "change"!
Next weekend we'll be married thirty years! Many kudos to my wife for putting up with me that long. It sure went by fast. At least twenty eight of those years she was mad at me, but all the years were happy ones. I have no regrets about grabbing on to her when I had the chance.... Take the warning well, "One day you are looking in the mirror and you'll see your parent!".
THINGS YOU LEARN AS YOU "MATURE"
· I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
· I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
· I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
· I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
· I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
· I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
· I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
· I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
· I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
· I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
· I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
· I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
· I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages.
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with
the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:
"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Airline Funnies:
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Witty Sayings
1) One of the best feelings in the world is emptying your pockets in the evening, and knowing you can leave all the junk there until the next day.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smart ass
4') Especially another smart ass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asimov)
8) Right, because usually the competent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh because they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
19) Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
20) The words "My" "Rash" "See" and "Wanna" don't go well together in a sentence.
21a) When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.
21b) The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
21c) Therefore: The larger the number of people, the stupider the resultant decisions and actions (congress anyone?)
22) Never ever go first.
23) When being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries, the first thing to do is to release a tiger. (Monty Python)
24) Rain on your wedding day is NOT ironic unless you're made of sugar.
25) Never take yourself too seriously, and mock those who do.
25') Also be sure to mock people who take themselves too seriously.
25") Those who never take anything too seriously have a distinct advantage over those who do.
26) The more you understand, the crazier you get.
27) Bad losers make worse winners.
28) The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."
29) People who habitually give advice are the worst people to take advice from.
30) If you insist on getting your way often enough, pretty soon you won't have to argue with anyone about it anymore.
31) Peoples' names should not be verbs or adjectives.
32) There's nothing wrong with the world that shooting 99% of the population wouldn't cure.
33) All indicators show that the human race is selectively breeding itself for stupidity.
34) If "obscene" words were made a part of common everyday language, after a week, no one would care anymore.
34') After two weeks, a new batch of "obscene" words will have been invented.
35) One of the most important things to learn is when to quit while you're ahead.
35') Most people never learn.
36) Anyone who says exactly what you want to hear knows it.
37) Anger is easy, anger at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason, that's hard. (Ulysses)
38) You can live for many causes, but you can only die for one. Pick that one very carefully.
39) Never allow anything to be named after you until you're safely dead.
40) No corpse, no death. (DC Comics)
40') Even if there is a corpse, they still may not be dead. (DC Comics)
40") Don't believe everything you read in comic books.
43) Dying is easy, living is hard.
44) You can always get more with a kind word and a 2-by-4 than with just a kind word. (Marcus)
45) The beauty of the American system of government is that you could wipe out the executive, legislative, and judicial branches, and 99% of the population wouldn't notice.
46) If you always tell the truth, people will stop believing you. (based on Richard Feynman's life)
47) Some people just never learn.
48) Most things in this world are done for no good reason.
49) Any gift that can't be thrown away is really a trap. (Dr. Morgenes, via Tad Williams)
Favorite Sayings
More fun than poking smoke up a cat's butt with a knitting needle.
Busier than a cat covering crap on a tin roof with a broken paw.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the itch.
About as smart as screen doors in a submarine.
Noisier than two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a hail storm.
So short that he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the curb.
As sharp as a bowling ball.
Uglier than a can of crushed rectums.
The lights are on but nobody is home.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
Here are some more Dumb sayings contributed by Rocco DiPietrantonio
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Quicker than greased lightning.
