I like what Jerry Lewis had to say about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton (a couple of spoiled brats). Basically, they need a good spanking!
We went for a walk with Max downtown and then decided to get a bite to eat before we returned home. It was then that I realized that there were less than ten restaurants that we would consider AND we have over 500 in the area. Almost all of the places we frequent have a favorite dish waiting for us. The prices are commensurate with the meal and the atmosphere and the location. The service has always been great. All those things together make a place we will return to over and over. Vary any of those features and you'll get some people to stop and return, but not all. There are just some places you can't say anything bad about. There are also places that we recommend open locations closer to our house, almost every time we go. They are successful and many, many other placed change owners every six months.
Points to Ponder... Why Ask Why?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
What is the speed of dark?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
What is the speed of dark?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
What Your Resume Really Means
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
They install their only working unit in one of their cars and choosing a hot day, drive to Ford’s Head Office in Detroit. On arrival, they ask to see Henry Ford himself, but as they don’t have an appointment, they have to use all their charm to persuade his secretary to help them. Within minutes, she’s telling Mr Ford that sitting in her office are three well dressed gentlemen with a most exciting invention that will help sell more Ford cars.
Henry Ford immediately asks them to join him in his office. But they refuse, asking him instead to go with them to the car park to see their invention. He agrees and when they reach the Goldberg’s car, all four get in. As it’s now very hot outside, the Goldbergs turn on their air-conditioning unit. Almost immediately the car begins to cool down. Henry Ford is very excited and asks if they have patented their invention – which they are pleased to confirm. So he invites them back to his office for some discussion.
One hour later, the Goldbergs are offered $3million for their invention. But they refuse. They not only want $5million but they also desire recognition by having a label on every one of their units saying, ‘A Goldberg Air-Conditioning unit.’
But Henry Ford says that there is no way he is going to put the name ‘Goldberg’ on millions of his Ford cars (everyone in America knows that he is more than a little bit anti-Semitic.) So they go back to haggling and eventually reach an agreement for the product. The offer now is $4.5million plus the display in each car of just the first names of the three brothers.
And so today all Ford air-conditioning units show their names on the air-conditioning controls as "Norm" "Hi" "Max".
I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm Adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.
I'm Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I'm Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I'm Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.
I'm Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm On The Go:
I'm never at my desk.
My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969. "
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back.
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm Adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.
I'm Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I'm Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I'm Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.
I'm Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm On The Go:
I'm never at my desk.
My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969. "
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back.
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Little known fact...
In 1946, after many years of endeavor, Norman, Hymie and Maxwell Goldberg finally invent the first air-conditioning unit that can be fitted inside a car. So thrilled and confident are these three brothers that they decide to sell it to the largest car manufacturer in the world – Ford They install their only working unit in one of their cars and choosing a hot day, drive to Ford’s Head Office in Detroit. On arrival, they ask to see Henry Ford himself, but as they don’t have an appointment, they have to use all their charm to persuade his secretary to help them. Within minutes, she’s telling Mr Ford that sitting in her office are three well dressed gentlemen with a most exciting invention that will help sell more Ford cars.
Henry Ford immediately asks them to join him in his office. But they refuse, asking him instead to go with them to the car park to see their invention. He agrees and when they reach the Goldberg’s car, all four get in. As it’s now very hot outside, the Goldbergs turn on their air-conditioning unit. Almost immediately the car begins to cool down. Henry Ford is very excited and asks if they have patented their invention – which they are pleased to confirm. So he invites them back to his office for some discussion.
One hour later, the Goldbergs are offered $3million for their invention. But they refuse. They not only want $5million but they also desire recognition by having a label on every one of their units saying, ‘A Goldberg Air-Conditioning unit.’
But Henry Ford says that there is no way he is going to put the name ‘Goldberg’ on millions of his Ford cars (everyone in America knows that he is more than a little bit anti-Semitic.) So they go back to haggling and eventually reach an agreement for the product. The offer now is $4.5million plus the display in each car of just the first names of the three brothers.
And so today all Ford air-conditioning units show their names on the air-conditioning controls as "Norm" "Hi" "Max".
