Then we trimmed the date palms and de-ferned the side yard. I can't stop sneezing and I'm beat.
Max got a bath after avoiding me in the back yard for fifteen minutes. He knows the word. He really likes to be washed, but just like any dog, he has to try to avoid it. Afterward he runs in circles and pushes his ears along the grass to dry out.
I've been shopping all over to put together a picnic for tomorrow. I hope it turns out okay....
Wow, another five headless bodies in Acapulco... there went the tourist trade for the summer. I am certainly not anxious to visit Mexico for a while.
Mom's Where
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
Now That's Funny
Steven Wright Quotes From TheComedyShopBlog.com
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
How young can you die of old age?
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Mother's Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
