A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop
asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry
officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."
The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the
glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this
car in a car jacking. I killed the woman that owns the car and
stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove
compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight
and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he
walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the
guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid
with the guys real name and information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's
in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and
opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the
guys name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.
The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had
told him.
The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!
Signs Can Be Funny Too
Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Facts about Men
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Aerospace Industry
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
