At any rate, now we have an election to deal with. A struggling president, a nasty anti-Democrat congress filled with those raping the political processes while pocketing the benefits offered by lobbyists that should be outlawed, but isn't. These elected officials are taking advantage of every opportunity to line their own coffers and benefit from their position of power while forgetting why the voters put them there. I only have one thing to say about the upcoming elections regarding incumbents: "Throw the bums out on their respective asses!". We need new blood that know and respect the views and desires of the voters and not the benefactors of the re-election funds.
A Ride with Grandpa
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy? -- just him and his granddaughter.
....
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished
giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center
where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
They shook hands.
As they talked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in
America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star
Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,
Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or
Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador,
and whispered back, . . . "That's because it takes place in the
future..."
He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."
The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
Resurrection
The pastor of this Baptist church had called
all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the
front of the church and had them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."
The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
