A fellow at work is about to turn fifty and he is wondering whether he should have a midlife crisis or not. I tried to explain to him that that isn't something that you decide- it just happens or not. I suggested he work on a Bucket List to see if he really needed a crisis or not.
We try to avoid thinking about our eventual demise. Creating a bucket list helps to put your life and its accomplishments (or lack of) in perspective.
I have a petty resentment (nah!). Have you noticed lately that websites WANT you go be their friend (or "like them") on Facebook? I have clicked on numerous links lately, like to get coupons, and they want me to get on Facebook to get them. I just refuse. I got a Facebook account to check out my daughter's page. The damned thing is a time sucker. Everyone spends HOURS updating their page and looking at everybody else's. WHatever happened to privacy ? In the first week, I got almost fifty freind requests. Most of them were from friends of friends of friends of friends of people I don't want to talk to anymore, or never did. What an affront! Not only on privacy (currently numerous suits against Facebook for revealing information), but also on generating guilt! What will people (my fiends) think if my page is lacking this or that ? What if I don't accept this louse for a friend? What will he think, or his friends think ? PUH-LEASZ!!
On A Recent Tonight Show with Jay Leno
- The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down.
- Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she’s trying to help them recruit LeBron James.
- Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we’re fighting to escape British oil.
- Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran.
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow
noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't
need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice
your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water
and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it.
You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it
sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it
easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes
late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the
trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you
going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the
darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it
back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball,
the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business
was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he
owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of
tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to
do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down
to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's
edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the
open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page
and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that
will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought
his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-
tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The
businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his
pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his
advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as
I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Two Tough Questions
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
Were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
Occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... No peeking, then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Middle Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Middle Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
