A NUN AT HOOTERS
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Funny Christmas Quotes:
Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson
Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan
Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning
Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland
There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller
If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope
Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno
Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor
I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it’s a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him.
Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.
Shocking News from our Nation's Capitol.....
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. 
Archie Bunker Remembered....
The atheist religion don’t believe in the bible.
I ain’t got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can’t make no mistakes. Like he’s, waddya call, inflammable.
If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass.
The hookeries and massageries…the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra.
That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.
Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes.
The sexual act was never constipated.
No matter how long we’ve been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, “turn me over.”
All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.
When a boy’s coming into poobertyhood.
A husband’s conjungal and a wife’s convivial obligation.
What you’re lookin’ at here is kind of an old fashioned guy who really believes in the sanctitity of marriage.
Most of ‘em have more hismones that hermones.
U.S. history….that’s part of your whole American heresy.
You don’t hear me gettin’ historical (hysterical).
President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.
I’m readin’ in the paper where the CIA is dopin’ people up. Maybe somebody injected some of that LSD in the lady’s cottage cheese.
That’s what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gypped ‘em out of Manhattan.
Didn’t he take the exercise tax off cars?
It’s a well known histororical fact: they gave ‘em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.
A man’s bar is his castle.
East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.
A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith’s cleavage belongs.
One man’s goose is another man’s dander.
Just ’cause “there’s snow in the basement don’t mean there ain’t no fire in the roof!”
I got bigger fish to fly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman’s corns.
No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country…oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!
Don’t talk like an ignarosis.
All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.
New York champagne…that’s a phony label. They don’t grow raisins in New York.
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”
Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
