Bitter, Overworked and Under-Appreciated

Well we shouldn't worry about the American Idol runner up, as both Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze are both signed up to produce record deals.  It is so anti-climactic, and appears as though winning, doesn't matter quite as much as making it to the top five. 


We lost Dennis Hopper today. He was a great character actor and will be missed.


I don't know if it is just my family or what, but if a friend calls, the kids are gone.  Any chore that we might have had help with- forget it.  We bust our collective asses to give them better than we had, and what we end up with is a Prince and Princess that expect entitlements instead of working for them.  Do I sound bitter?  Maybe I am.  Terre and I get no free time.  It's work, work, work and then come home to the same unappreciated kids (one is home for the summer, and the other moved back home because of the bad economy). 

It occurred to me today that we shower our pets with doting love, just as we do our kids, and our pets pay us back with unconditional love and forgiveness.  Sometimes your kids make you feel like you were sorry to have 'em.

Deep In the back woods...

of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em? 

KINDER, GENTLER WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combo plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off the cracker

Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Skylight leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts  

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to

Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support 

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the
Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer:

"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try,
for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your
colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your
parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all
of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?" 

Friday Lost

Lorem ipsum vim ut utroque mandamus intellegebat, ut eam omittam ancillae sadipscing, per et eius soluta veritus.

I learned something new today.  I checked to see what the above means... and ...  It doesn't mean anything. It's called "greeking" -- it's filler or placeholder text that publishers and graphic designers use to designate a text block, without actually putting anything specific in the text block. It's used a lot when putting together a basic layout. It allowed you to show what the text will look like on it, without requiring any actual text from the client.  Could have fooled me!  It actually looks interesting enough actual mean something important, but doesn't!


Took the day off work today, but I have plenty to keep me busy at home.  Had some cabinet doors to adjust, a sprinkler to replace and fifteen sixty-pound bags of California Gold (I wish) gravel to purchase and deliver home.  It made a real dusty mess out of the back of the truck AND me when I unloaded.


Now I'm off to mow the lawns...

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life. Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In
disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum
tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no
tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side
of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a
drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--
strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for
a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his
eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean," he swallows excitedly,"I can check my e-mail from
here?"

How to get out of a speeding ticket
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner..
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Tact
Tact: The ability to tell someone to "Go to Hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.