Saturday I took my sprinkler controller to the local dealer to see if they could help me get it to work again. Everything I tried had failed. As usual, the first thing the dealer tried had worked, and it appeared as though I was saved from the $325 replacement cost or the $125 repair cost. By the time I got home and hooked it up, it was in failure mode once again. I gave up and decided that I was going to replace it- but not for $325, if I could. I went down to the local Home Depot and perused the offerings. I decided to take my chances with a $57 replacement to see if it worked. I was very careful removing it from the carton and installing it, in case I had to repackage it for return. It worked first time out of the box. Why would anyone want to buy the $325 brand, when the $57 brand works just as well? It is not like it is a stereo system or a computer. How much better could the expensive brand have watered my lawn than the cheaper one ?? Who are they trying to kid, anyway?
The city is complaining about the size of a new Starbucks sign and they want the company to replace it with a smaller one. Of course, the sign was approved when the company got a permit to put it up. Why should they change it? They shouldn't. When a "Grande" was permitted, they shouldn't have to put up a "Demi"!
Men...What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Consultant Rules If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
New words:
1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating.
19. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
20. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
21. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
22. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
23. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.
24. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
25. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.
26. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
27. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
28. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
29. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
30. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
31. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
32. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
33. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
34. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
