Cable Companies Gotta Keep Revenue Up

So to escape the high prices for poor performance of cable TV, the plan was to keep the cable internet, buy a content streaming box (like a Roku) and get a NetFlix online account for $8 a month. Today, a large (very) cable company announced that there would be a surcharge for streaming from certain websites like NetFlix (after all, they have to keep their revenues up).  This somehow doesn't seem right.  It also means that the cable company is going to "spy" on your usage to see what website you are on when you use more bandwidth that normal.  I don't think that that is legal, somehow.  This all is occurring because their prices have inched up to the point that the content isn't worth the price they charge.  They promised, "Once we are all digital, we will sell content in a smorgasbord style, so you don't have to pay for channels you don't want." RIGHT!

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING

10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".

9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.

8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.

7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.

6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.

5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.

4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.

3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.

2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?

A: Carry-Oakies 


Redneck Santa

And my wife thought all those deer heads I had mounted on the wall would never have any use! 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

Twas the month before Christmas
and all through the net your local craigs listers were pitching a fit....
the ads were all posted by category with care
in hope that the trolls would not be there
the posters were posting all snug in there chairs
while visions of the free section danced in there heads
with bobby lee in her bootyshorts and I in my saggin pants
had just settled down to read through the craigslisters rants
when out on the lawn there arose such a noise
was some asshole stealing the free stuff along with yard supplies
away to my computer I flew like a flash
opened up craigslist and threw up my hands
the sight that i saw there so heinous and grievous
a fake ad was posted offering everything in my yard as freebies
I flagged the ad and while pulling my hair
the Craigslist police responded that they didn't care
with my hair pulled out and royaly pissed
I posted my own ad it went something like this
look here you asshole that took all my shit
you flaggers you trolls you freebie leeches
you resellers you spammers and wannabe policers
you people who claim your all in such need
you show up in hummers smokin on weed
if you cant afford some basic supplies'
than sell off your luxuries I did reply
So up to the top my posting just flew
With these words of anger I felt my duty was through.
And then, with a dinging I finally heard
my ad was posted for all those little turds
then got an email in about a hour
those faggots had flagged me my mood went sour
I turned off my computer
and logged off of the net
I went and sat down
and did other stuff instead
I thought to myself inside of my head
I have a life and I work and I play
but these other people stay on craigslist all f**king day
so get out of your chairs
try to get a life and leave people alone
on these cold winters nights
get off of craigslist and go to the bar
...wait...I forgot....your ad ...WANTED:FREE CAR  

NavigatorThe scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer
captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."