The Quaids are now trying to pass off a story to the Canadian officials that they fear for their lives. They claim that many of their Hollywood friends have been murdered in strange ways and they feel that they are next. The Canadian officials decline to comment on the mental condition of the Quaids, and whether they will be returned to the US or not. Meanwhile, it would be an extreme stretch to believe that what they say is true.
You know I just don't get sweepstakes. I enter all of them. Sometimes every day. You'd think they would through me a bone- someday. I play the state lottery and it's odd against winning are so bad that I almost have the same odds if I buy a ticket! I don't ever seem to win anything, but I keep playing. A friend of mine says to buy lottery tickets early as you can so you get your money's worth in dream time! Does anyone ever win sweepstakes ? I never hear of it or see a list. Perhaps they are just selling my entry information and the contest NEVER gets a winner!
My 1 day job
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ''Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?''
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ''Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?''
So I replied, ''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.''
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix,
Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, then said,
"Well, most people here just call me Izzy."
Boooooooooo
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases
and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job.
We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or the next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while typing this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
