Today couldn't have gone by fast enough for me. I'm going to pass on any comments today, so that I don't paint myself into a corner.
A distraught senior citizen
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 
A distraught senior citizen
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
The Husband Store!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. … You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Hammer time
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You son of a bitch!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
