Well, the big push is on to get Tori packed and delivered to Oxy on Sunday. I am really going to miss her being here, but I'm also looking forward to a simpler and less demanding times...
The city reveals it's bed tax profits for July and apparently they are way up, which means we had many, many tourists. Good thing, because someone has to pay for all the new brick-lined crosswalks and bulb-outs. What's with those anyway ???
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared
A poem by an unknown author....
Boobs
Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace
Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip out
They stay put just where they are
And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt
But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go
Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"
Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me
Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned
There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep
Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute
Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru
In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow
Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while
And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes not my tits
I want a raise...
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious
firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic
down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take
into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this
company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an
extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Parents, do you know what this test means ??
The text message reads:
"1 w45 50 j4ck3d up |457 n16h7. 1 5c0r3d 50m3 cr4ck 47 7h3 p4r7y 50 1'd h4v3 17 f0r 70n16h7 4nd 70m0rr0w, 4nd 7h3n J1mmy 700k 0ff w17h 17, 7h3 455h0|3! 1 4m 4|| j1773ry 4nd n33d 70 m337 up w17h y0u 70n16h7 4f73r my p4r3n75 7h1nk 1 4m 45|33p. c4n y0u m337 m3 47 b0j4n6|3'5 47 m1dn16h7 ju57 f0r 4 f3w m1nu735? 1 ju57 n33d 4 |177|3 4nd 1 c4n p4y y0u b4ck 0n m0nd4y, 1 pr0m153."
Translation:
"I was so jacked up last night. I scored some crack at the party so I'd have it for tonight and tomorrow, and then Jimmy took off with it, the [expletive]! I am all jittery and need to meet up with you tonight after my parents think i am asleep. Can you meet me at Bojangle's at midnight just for a few minutes? I just need a little and I can pay you back on Monday, I promise."
Pythagorean Theorem: 24 words
The Lord's prayer: 66 Words
The Ten Comandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1300 words
U.S.Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26911 words
