It was a bit strange today (at least for this time of the year), foggy at both ends with sunny in the middle!
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had.
Johnny replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid
in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the
world, is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'
He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
(True Story)
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
