KIDS ON MARRIAGE (Answers by kids age 8-10)
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 9
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9
Little boy...
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.'
TIMEX
My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.. I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!
It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I just wanna watch !"
I wonder if proctologists ever reflect on what they chose to do with their lives?
The room was full of pregnant women and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm.
I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.
They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.
The Epic Struggle
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan created HMOs..
The Recession Has Hit Everybody!
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen...
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
