So essentially, not much changed while I was vacating...
One thing that FINALLY did change, Andy Rooney is retiring at 92! I thought those awning eyebrows would carry him forever!
Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem
What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
Confucius Says...
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live
What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck
What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them
What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run
What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend
What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin
When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute
Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball
