When I was a kid, I always like to watch "Ozzie and Harriet". As recently as a a year ago, I bought a DVD with four episodes on it, just for fun. I saw Rick Nelson perform at a county fair in Oregon, just before he crashed in a plane and died. Now Dave, his brother, died and he is the last of the the starts of that show. Sad....
I listened to President Obama this evening while he spoke in Tucson. He is attempting to heal the people over the tragedy. It is a very sad speech and it is quite necessary. The unfortunate fact is that he is closing the barn door after the cows have escaped. Why does this country make it so easy (and even more so in Arizona) to obtain a gun without a background check? If the background checks are too expensive, then the prospective gun buyer should pay for it. That may slow down the proliferation of guns for a bit, but (hopefully) it may keep them out of the wrong hands. Why am I not hearing anything about prevention ?
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the
boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...
promise!
Well the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around two thirty A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up, and cuckoo-ed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably
wake up, so I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself, having a quick and witty solution to escape a possible
conflict, even when smashed.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her
12 o'clock. she didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said
"Well, it cuckoo-ed 3 times, said oh fuck, cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more and then farted.
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Jobs
A good teacher has class. The professional farmer is outstanding in his field.
An incompetent chef can dessert his patrons.
A good cook knows how to dish it out.
An army cook can make a mess.
Accountants appreciate a good figure.
Smart electricians are up on current affairs.
An enthusiastic archeologist digs her job.
A mail carrier is a person of letters.
Taxidermists have lots of stuff.
A cement worker has concrete ideas.
Sleeping plumbers have pipe dreams.
Inventors are patently smart.
Your dentist knows the drill.
A good rancher has a herd mentality.
Gamblers are a dicey lot.
A photographer’s skill is developing.
A good artist can draw a crowd.
A roofer on the job is above it all.
Usually violinists just string along.
Lazy bakers loaf on the job.
New carpenters screw up a lot.
A blind barber depends upon shear luck.
A good baseball player is a swinger at home.
Football coaching is a sideline career.
Any golfer should be able to tell a good lie.
A funny butcher enjoys a good rib.
Experienced typists are key personnel.
A part-time maestro is a semiconductor.
A tall lawyer looks good in briefs.
A lousy lawyer is always appealing.
A good Realtor has lots of promise.
Editors have no problem making amends.
Kindergarten teaching is just kidding around.
A cowboy needs a stage coach.
Most doctors are patient people.
A competent tailor likes to size up his customers.
No shoe seller should have a stocking problem.
The son of the florist is a budding genius.
A suspicious gardener enjoys a good plot.
Some psychoanalysts give complex advice.
An evil candle maker does wicked things.
A successful funeral director is dead serious.
Undertakers face stiff competition.
Worried cemetery worker have grave concerns.
A nude model barely makes a living.
Some truck drivers are semi-professionals.
Telephone linemen can be poles apart. (lineman)
State troopers know just the ticket.
A ballerina can leap to conclusions.
Librarians possess novel information.
Cashiers think change is inevitable.
An experienced coroner is good at dead reckoning.
A determined webmaster can find the missing link.
An emotional dermatologist makes rash judgments.
A state governor prefers capital letters.
Old cabinet makers enjoy board meetings.
On the job, drillers are boring.
Fans think pro hockey players walk on water.
Most psychiatrists should be committed.
Cops have arresting personalities.
The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The taxi driver quit his job because he couldn’t hack it.
Every good musician is noteworthy.
Fishermen have to rely on net income.
There is no future in being a historian.
A playwright likes to make a scene.
BEWARE " THE TAX MAN IS COMING"
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector
to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent
was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What
do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and
send them back to the bandage company and every now
and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save
it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and
then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What
do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we
do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
