I guess the fat lady has not yet sung with regards to the Winklevoss Twins' suit against Zuck for ripping off the Fleecebook idea. It will probably have to be reviewed by the Supreme Court, if they will. I'm not sure what other avenues they have....
"I think we should all treat each other like Christians. I, however, will not be responsible for the consequences."
- George Carlin
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!" (thanks to Adam Cochran)
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
I can't get enough minimalism. (thanks to Mark)
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
A Few Rules of Life
1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
5. Life is sexually transmitted.
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
10. You can still get the last word in: Apologize.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use a computer and they won't bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . they are not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, dying for no apparent reason.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
18. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Two Cows
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
