Fun With Words
My mother wears hearing-aids. When Pavarotti performed at Lady Diana's funeral, she remarked, "Why are they letting him sing after he chased her through the tunnel?"
At the end of a long and probably very boring meal (at a formal dinner), (British Prime Minister) Macmillan turned to Madame de Gaulle and asked politely what she was looking forward to in her retirement.
Quick as a flash the elderly lady replied: "A penis."
Macmillan had been trained all his life never to appear shocked, but even he was a bit taken aback. After drawling out a series of polite platitudes, "Well, I can see your point of view," "Don't have much time for that sort of thing nowadays" It gradually dawned on him to his intense relief that what the old girl had actually said was "happiness."
41 Questions That Make You Think
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?
6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"
