Fridaze....

I was wondering the other day how a four legged animal (such as a dog) walks over debris on the path without stepping on anything.  Having only two legs, I still look down to be sure that I don't step on anything.  How does the animal look out for his back legs ?  Does his back feet always land where his front were ?


Obviously it is Friday and my mind shut off last night...

Signs

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."
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On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in. "
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On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.  However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises 

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, " Ontario ".

"Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario too!"

"I know" the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to personally give you your $15,000 inheritance, sorry for your loss".

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer 

Over the past five years, millions of people have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research.

It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who will not remember what to do with them!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"