A bit low key today...

Tried to watch "Nine" last evening.  Couldn't hack more than half an hour.  The dancing and singing were pretty good, but where was the rest of the movie.  It was nuts....
  
Supposed to be a big car show locally today and tomorrow.  It appears as though the poster was EASILY interpreted incorrectly, as no cars were available to see today.  It is all tomorrow.  A waited trip downtown.

So depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

Home Mortgage Application Tips
Applying for a home mortgage can be an overwhelming and stressful experience. But with the right knowledge, you can make a tremendous difference to the outcome of your initial mortgage application interview. Follow our proven tips for mastering that ominous interview with the bank and be on your way to home ownership before you know it. Attire - Your usual clothing ensemble of track pants, NASCAR T-shirt and flip-flop sandals are inadequate for such a meeting. Similarly, clothes with vomit, cum, blood and other bodily fluid stains (or that shirt you’re wearing right now with all of these stains) fare poorly during mortgage interviews. For a better alternative, think back to the clothes you wore at the last funeral you went to, except less drab. Find your best shirt and pants, crack open that unused box of detergent in the basement, learn to use your laundry machine and voila, you’re promoted from street puke to a member of the general populous.
Body Odours - Profuse sweating is the body’s natural response to situations of being fucked over with 30 pages of mortgage contracts to sign, this is normal. What’s abnormal is just how putrid the body odors emitting from your rank crotch and arm pits are. Wearing deodorant is highly recommended.
Breath - The fact that your breath smells like a distillery’s sewer from the several shots of rye earlier this morning is not promising. Then again, neither is the alcohol seeping from your pores from the night before, but there is little you can do about that at this point. While brushing your teeth will help lessen the sharp and distinct cocktail of raw alcohol, garlic bread, onion soup and blue cheese you consumed the night before, you really need to gargle mouth wash one step below “im going to kill myself with industrial solvents”.
Personality - Jokes about “Oh, you mean you want me to pay this money back?” or “If you think my ex-wife has a hard time getting alimony, you should see my track record on mortgages! Har dee har har.” are certain death for any hopes of a mortgage. This humor is comparable to the old “There is a bomb in my suitcase” joke at the airport, which ends with equally poor results. Your repertoire of off-colored political, racial and religious jokes are also going to have dire consequences. Think back to your amateur stand up performance with your child’s school enrolment officer, and the subsequent 45 minute bus ride your kid now takes daily to a different school as a result.
Language - Your normal slang riddled ebonics ”I’ve just stepped out of a rap freestyle contest” conversations will certainly hurt your chances for a mortgage. Try learning some words greater than four letters in length and forming complete sentences while discussing the mortgage with your bank representative.
Intended Use – Your planned use of the property as a grow-op, rave venue, porn shoot locale or arms smuggling depot may best not be discussed during the meeting. Banks sometimes prefer less risky investments.
Security - As just mentioned, banks tend to be adverse to risk. So when asked about your other financial commitments and your track record of timely payment, refrain from comments such as “I took them to the cleaners” or “They never saw me coming”. You want to instill a feeling of security in the people whom will be loaning you the money, and such comments may lessen that security. While asking questions is a good thing to do, limit questions such as “What if I don’t feel like paying anymore?” and “Suppose I decided to embrace a more alternative lifestyle half way through?”.
Addictions - It may not be an opportune time to disclose your unquenchable additions to gambling, porn and illicit drugs. Limit the discussion about yourself to topics that are deemed by society as desirable traits, if you have any. If not, refrain from talking unless absolutely necessary. In terms of appearance, dozens of track marks up your arms and glazed over eyes with bags under them are red flags. Wear a long sleeve shirt and if possible abstain from blowing your mortgage deposit money at the casino or snorting lines of crack off your coffee table 24 hours prior to the interview. Drug dependents and casino junkies tend to fall into the “high risk” category.
With all this useful knowledge under your belt, you’re ready to take on that mortgage interview with confidence and a superb chance of accomplishing your goal. Good luck!

The many Types of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = oar-gasms

Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
Sex with a prostitute = whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
Sex while broke = poor-gasms
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
Sex while flying = soar-gasms
Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
Sex without a climax = no-gasms