A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress
his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him." she coos,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to lick them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
HAVING BOYS
NOTE: Do not attempt No.8 indoors!
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies .
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drug store. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."
"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
TSA Slogans
Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. Grope discounts available.
If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.
Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.
Wanna fly? Drop your fly.
We've handled more balls than Barney Frank
We are now free to move about your pants
We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.
It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.
TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'
You were a virgin.
We handle more packages than the USPS
