Newsflash 1: There is now a dating website for ugly people, called UglySchmucks.com !
Newsflash 2: As if we all didn't expect it (or really didn't care anyway), Lindsay Lohan flunked her drug test today. I guess two weeks didn't make much of an impression (BIG SURPRISE)!
A bit more Jack Handy: I have more and more been feeling that our lives are too complicated, especially with all the high-tech, and have sought the simpler life. I haven't acquired on yet, because I live in such a deep dark hole that it will take me years to get out, if I ever do.
Observing Max and envying his sense of smell and his attitude during walks. Basically he sniffs around, and I don't know if he recognizes his own smell (or even cares), but no matter what, its "Piss on it, and move on". If we all had more of that kind of attitude, it would relieve so much stress in the world. I feel like that pretty often....
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18, 000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off?
I think not.
--written by a very smart man
"I don't know what decision I should make. I'm currently being pursued by a 23-year-old aspiring model who hasn't got a dime to her name and also by a 69-year-old widow with bazillions of dollars."
"Hmmm," said Maury. "In your place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With your age and looks, it's obvious that you're never again in your lifetime going to get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and only an aspiring model. What counts is youth and beauty. In your place, I'd send the old bat off and then set up housekeeping with the beauty."
"You're right!" says Pauly. "It's just amazing how friends can see the situation so clearly and offer such good advice."
"No problem," says Maury, "but could you give me that widow's name and number?"
