Two rednecks from Alabama , Buck and Bill, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer. Bill turns to Buck and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Alexander City Community College and sign up for some classes.' Buck thinks
it's a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Bill goes down to the
college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four
basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bill says.
'What's that?' The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed
eater?' 'Yeah.' 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I
think that you would have a yard.' 'That's true, I do have a yard.' 'I'm
not done,' the Dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that
you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.' 'And because you have a
house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a
family. 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were
able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.' Excited to take
the class now, Bill shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Buck at
the bar. He tells Buck about his classes, how he is signed up for Math,
English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Buck says, 'What's that?' Bill says,
'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?' 'No.' 'Then you're a queer.'
"You're never disappointed in an X-rated movie. You never say,
"Gee, I never thought it would end *that* way."
- Richard Jeni
Weight problem
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
Pet shop
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Why alcohol should be served at work
It's an incentive to show up. It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It encourages car pooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!
Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.
You can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.
Being a man definitely has its perks
1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
Scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water....
Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.
