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"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood
all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday
and we were just playing golf."
- Brian Kiley
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said,
"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I
was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than
ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're
older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun says, "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
...but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes.
I've never done anything like this before.
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new _____!
...then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.
