In case you are wondering, Blogspot went down yesterday for necessary maintenance (probably virus removal), so we did not have a post.
I spent almost all day today working on staging a garage sale for tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'd just be happy to get rid of the stuff EVEN without any money made.
I asked my wife if she'd love me when I was old and useless. She
said, "Of course I do"
- Rodney Dangerfield
One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next-door neighbors' daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and placed it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".
Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted,
"What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?"
Church Bloopers
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The
sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say fuck you to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
... />For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
'What Is hell' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility. ... />
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Dumb People
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
