The weather prediction claims that we should get ten inches out of this storm. More than half of that fell already and this storm isn't over. The next one will bring more rain until next Thursday. Usually we don't see this kind of weather at Christmas time. It is more Summer-like.
Watched (or should I say, slept through) "Eat Pray Love" last night. I REALLY got tire of waiting for something to HAPPEN!!!
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
he old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease ov er there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
A Few Redneck Words (With Meanings)
Not sure who originally compiled this list of Redneck words and meanings, but they are all over the interweb, and are spot on!:
BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH — noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR — noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
BAHS — noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”
TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE — noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD — Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”
FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN — adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn country.”
DID — adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He cain’t breath … give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
HAZE — a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah… haze ignert.”
SEED — verb, past tense.
VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”
HEAVY DEW — phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”
GUMMIT — noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”
A lady walks into Tiffany's.
She browses around, spots a beautiful Diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't popup right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form ofa salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam'. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks: 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
