Fogust!

Last night we watched "Kick-Ass".  I would give this movie a C- or D+.  Portions of it were pretty good and funny, but other parts were REALLY bad.  I'm glad we didn't pay anything to see it.

If I'm lucky today, I will manage to avoid the swarms of tourists here for Fiesta.  We used to take vacations this week of the year, so that we ensured missing the crowds.

Usually we have a bit of "May gray", and then some "June gloom", which this year extended through July.  Now we are in August and they are calling it "fogust"!

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember." 

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said. 

An older Arab gentleman rents an apartment in a high rise building.

A couple of weeks later his kids and grandkids are paying a visit.....

- How's everything in this new neighborhood ?

- Things are great, people have so much respect for each other here!

- Really? how so?

- There's an 89 year old surgeon on the first floor who has not performed a surgery in 19 years and everyone is referring to him as Doctor, on the 2nd floor there's a great musician and he's 92, he has not written any music in the past 30 years.....and people call him Maestro! and.........I haven't had sex in the past 25 years and everyone is calling me a Fucking Arab! Is this a great community or what? 

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!" 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"