Well we shouldn't worry about the American Idol runner up, as both Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze are both signed up to produce record deals. It is so anti-climactic, and appears as though winning, doesn't matter quite as much as making it to the top five.
We lost Dennis Hopper today. He was a great character actor and will be missed.
I don't know if it is just my family or what, but if a friend calls, the kids are gone. Any chore that we might have had help with- forget it. We bust our collective asses to give them better than we had, and what we end up with is a Prince and Princess that expect entitlements instead of working for them. Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. Terre and I get no free time. It's work, work, work and then come home to the same unappreciated kids (one is home for the summer, and the other moved back home because of the bad economy).
It occurred to me today that we shower our pets with doting love, just as we do our kids, and our pets pay us back with unconditional love and forgiveness. Sometimes your kids make you feel like you were sorry to have 'em.
Deep In the back woods...
of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." We lost Dennis Hopper today. He was a great character actor and will be missed.
I don't know if it is just my family or what, but if a friend calls, the kids are gone. Any chore that we might have had help with- forget it. We bust our collective asses to give them better than we had, and what we end up with is a Prince and Princess that expect entitlements instead of working for them. Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. Terre and I get no free time. It's work, work, work and then come home to the same unappreciated kids (one is home for the summer, and the other moved back home because of the bad economy).
It occurred to me today that we shower our pets with doting love, just as we do our kids, and our pets pay us back with unconditional love and forgiveness. Sometimes your kids make you feel like you were sorry to have 'em.
Deep In the back woods...
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
A few beers short of a six-pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
One taco short of a combo plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off the cracker
Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Skylight leaks a little
Slinky's kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too much yardage between the goal posts
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the
Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer:
"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try,
for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your
colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your
parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all
of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
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