Friday Lost

Lorem ipsum vim ut utroque mandamus intellegebat, ut eam omittam ancillae sadipscing, per et eius soluta veritus.

I learned something new today.  I checked to see what the above means... and ...  It doesn't mean anything. It's called "greeking" -- it's filler or placeholder text that publishers and graphic designers use to designate a text block, without actually putting anything specific in the text block. It's used a lot when putting together a basic layout. It allowed you to show what the text will look like on it, without requiring any actual text from the client.  Could have fooled me!  It actually looks interesting enough actual mean something important, but doesn't!


Took the day off work today, but I have plenty to keep me busy at home.  Had some cabinet doors to adjust, a sprinkler to replace and fifteen sixty-pound bags of California Gold (I wish) gravel to purchase and deliver home.  It made a real dusty mess out of the back of the truck AND me when I unloaded.


Now I'm off to mow the lawns...

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life. Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In
disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum
tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no
tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side
of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a
drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--
strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for
a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his
eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean," he swallows excitedly,"I can check my e-mail from
here?"

How to get out of a speeding ticket
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner..
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Tact
Tact: The ability to tell someone to "Go to Hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.