Today, we tried diligently to get a bunch of chores done before it starts raining. It still hasn't started and the day is over. The wind is blowing and the skies are dark, but no rain.
This weekend went by way too fast. I am sick and tired of all the election crap- ads, signs, radio jingles, poll calls..etc. I am ready for the damned thing to be over with. Meanwhile, after $145M of her own money thrown into the campaign, Meg Whitman is now 13 points below Jerry Brown. She would have been better off buying the votes directly from each voter!
Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?"
he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a
dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
bed!"
We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know
that:
$665.99 = Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories
$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast
$333 = Half off sale on the sign of the beast
6, uh... what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 = Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over
18 only please.
Route 666 = Highway of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.
666MHz = CPU of the Beast
666i = BMW of the Beast
668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast
666A, 666B = Tenants of the beast
999 = Sign of the Australian Beast
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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