I asked my daughter once why she was carrying her cell phone in her hand while she shops. She said, "In case it rings". I responded, "If it rings, you can dig it out of your pocket or purse". And what did I get back..."It would be rude for me to make someone wait that might be texting or calling me!"
So once again, I claim it is an addiction!
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking
through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits
are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."
You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:
* Any part of your chair is painted camo.
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as
decoration.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
Double points if you don't care that it sucks your batteries dry
so long as the beer stays cold.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a
bitch to put on and you can't walk anyway.
* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
* You installed a gun rack on back.
* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer
tap, or similar.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.
* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a
truck or hog.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars
and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to
your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing
or battery compartment of the chair.
* You, while in your chair, ever made any roadkill.
* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair
does.
* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your
chair.
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as
you sit.
* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever
got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are
going to start making wheelchairs.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to
hang fuzzy dice from your chair.
* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if
the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!
* You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a
highway patrol cruiser while in your chair.
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance
plan.
* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you
thought it might help pick up chicks.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point,
"now that's a good idea!"
Dumb Instructions
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
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