Edhat (local) had a Halloween Story Contest. Here are the winners....
We took Max for a walk down by the Santa Barbara pier and along Palm Park (where the Arts and Craft Show is on). The weather was wonderful, bright and sunny. All of us thought it was wonderful. Max enjoyed himself by chasing pigeons. Unfortunately, he repetitiously ran out of leash and did a RAPID stop.
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,
"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,
"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"
The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.
The Judge says," OK".
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."
The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Jones, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hanged himself."
"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Mr. Jones replied. "I hung him up to dry."
The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
- I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
- Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
- This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
- Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
- In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
- My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
- You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
- I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
- In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
- I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the
ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to,
with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and
their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised at times.
They would receive showers twice a week and have to pay to have their hair cut.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay
$15,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out alive.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON, JAMAICA
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.
9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.
13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.
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