Another Holiday Bite the Dust...

Last evening's BBQ was very good.  Lots of interesting people and great food.  Too bad it takes a holiday to get them together.


Today we hiked up to Red Rock and took advantage of the cool waters heading to Cachuma Lake.  We watched numerous people jumping off rocks into the river, but bolstered by liquid courage, some would jump from the highest rock which is 50 or 60 feet up.  I exclaimed, "That doesn't take brains...".  One guy climbed the rock but after about twenty minutes of looking like he was going to jump, climbed back down.. With about fifty goads at water level yelling to jump, I'd say that he had more courage to climb back down than to go.  We figured that as bad as the potential jump looked like from the water level, can you imagine how bad it looked from up there ?

Well, it's back to work again tomorrow morning, and considering how much I've been doing around here- I need the break!

Deathbed

A Jew was on his deathbed, and his family was gathered round him. He calls for his wife. “I’m here, honey.” He then called for his daughters. Both of them replied: “ Here, Papa.” Then he called for his sons. : We’re here, Dad.”
So he shouts: “ Then who the H___ is minding the store?” and dies.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain
later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

When I was younger.....

I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

The hired help:

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”

So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.”
 

 
 

Confusious Say

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. 

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

Scrumptious Sunday...

Last evening we went to see Prince Of Persia.  I had only heard that the special effects, photography and sound were great and that Jake's performance was less than stellar.  I found, instead, a story with a strong plotline with numerous twists and turns.  Definitely, it was entertaining and, at times, gripping.  I did not find any problems with Jake's performance.  The whole experience was a strong four out of five stars.

For some reasons which I won't go into right now, I woke up at 5:30 this morning and "wide awake". I decided to get up.  I made coffee, let out the dog (uncooperative), fed him and the cat- and here I sit, until the paper shows up.

There are some REALLY stupid people out there that is causing a big rip-off: (I quote a portion of an entry on a subscription of mine...)

My wife is a church geek.  She sings on the worship team, sings in the choir, and plays flute in the church orchestra.  All of her friends are also church geeks, so they tend to be ladies of decent character.  But good car consumers?  Not necessarily, and sometimes youth plays no factor.

My wife's best friend is a lady who hasn't always found the best way through life.  In the middle-2000's she actually rented a room from us, an event which I think started an upward trend for her as she saw how people with a plan actually live their lives.  She has since finished a college degree and gradually seems to be slowly casting out whatever demons haunt her.

But not her car purchases, apparently.

She had an early-2000's Buick Regal.  It was a decent car but she borrowed for all of it and did so on bad credit terms because she hasn't been very good at managing her money.  (Poor decision-making about car purchases and bad money management are bedfellows, of course.)  Well, in 2008 the car began to have a few problems.  One day, it wouldn't start, and her "mechanic" gouged her some kind of electrical issue (alternator, battery, whatever).  A couple days later it happened again (good mechanic, huh?) and it was determined to be the battery.  Like Johnelle, this lady should have made a beeline for the nearest gearhead(me) and like Johnelle, she lost her mind.  Instead of having me look at it and help her get it under control, she drove to the nearest Chevy dealer and then that evening showed up in my driveway with a  lighty-used Malibu Maxx.

I know it's not an old Kia for a choking amount of money, but... my math-inclined brain immediately threw up the red flags and wanted to know how a 37-year-old woman with poor credit and a long-time $15/hr-ish job could possibly afford this car when the other one wasn't paid for.  So while examining the car, I inquired.  Here is what I learned:

(1)  She didn't know the purchase price of the car.  In disbelief to my first inquiry about its price, I pressed her. She literally did not know.  She didn't ask, and she didn't read the contract, but thought the price was in the mid-14's.  Whatever it was, you *know* it wasn't discounted.

(2)  The dealer agreed to take the Buick and "roll" the amount owed on it into the price of the Malibu Maxx.

(3)  She put down no money.

(4)  The financing terms were also not known, but from her description it was 60 or 72 months at 14%.  That's not a typo.

When I asked her why she did this, she trotted out the usual clap about "I have to have something reliable." I said nothing at all to her because it would just be pearls before swine.  I just admired the car (it IS nice).

When she left, I told my wife everything her friend had done and expressed my shock and disappointment.  WHY wouldn't you ask for my help? You know I would surely give it.  You know I would give you sound advice.  (I spend about 1/4 what she does for transportation and I have two cars and two drivers.)  Worse, how can you be a repeated moron with regard to the money?  How can you not even read what you just signed?

Talk about seeing her coming!  The sales guy could barely believe his good luck.  She drives up in a Buick and promptly tell them it's having trouble. She's more than 100 pounds overweight, has a Kentucky twang, and has some very odd mannerisms.  She told me that they (presumably the sales guy and his mgr) were telling her that spending more was a good investment, and she didn't argue with them.  They played her like a (large) bass fiddle and she never knew it.

You don't HAVE to make this stuff up.  There is an endless parade of morons capable of providing entertainment of this variety.

Don't get me started on my tenant.  (I own a small rental house.) She did the same thing with a minivan, despite having only two children and no husband.  I told her (unsolicited) that she should take the van back and hand them the keys.  Her credit is already trashed; what would it matter?  She still has it.  It's been wrecked once.  It's not in good repair.  And she still owes thousands more than it could ever sell for.  <Shrug.>  As long as she pays the rent...

These are the kind of people that never miss a chance to vote, which unfortunately, make Meg Whitman look good after not voting for the last 28 elections.  Unfortunately, these kind of people are one of our biggest problems.


With that, we are off to some friends' for a holiday BBQ...

A Matter Of Perspective

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The Strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that Stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and flatulence).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play Or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has Gone Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out.

 

Bathroom Grafitti

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
Good judgment comes from experience...... and a lot of that comes from bad judgment ! Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Clones are people, two. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not

Dyslexics have more nuf. Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. . . neither one works!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it up and put it back in your pocket.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

Two wrongs are only the beginning. No one ever says,"It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I believe that five out of four people have trouble with fractions. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they grow older, then it dawned on me..... they were cramming for their finals.

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Bitter, Overworked and Under-Appreciated

Well we shouldn't worry about the American Idol runner up, as both Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze are both signed up to produce record deals.  It is so anti-climactic, and appears as though winning, doesn't matter quite as much as making it to the top five. 


We lost Dennis Hopper today. He was a great character actor and will be missed.


I don't know if it is just my family or what, but if a friend calls, the kids are gone.  Any chore that we might have had help with- forget it.  We bust our collective asses to give them better than we had, and what we end up with is a Prince and Princess that expect entitlements instead of working for them.  Do I sound bitter?  Maybe I am.  Terre and I get no free time.  It's work, work, work and then come home to the same unappreciated kids (one is home for the summer, and the other moved back home because of the bad economy). 

It occurred to me today that we shower our pets with doting love, just as we do our kids, and our pets pay us back with unconditional love and forgiveness.  Sometimes your kids make you feel like you were sorry to have 'em.

Deep In the back woods...

of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em? 

KINDER, GENTLER WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combo plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off the cracker

Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Skylight leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts  

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to

Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support 

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the
Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer:

"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try,
for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your
colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your
parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all
of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?" 

Friday Lost

Lorem ipsum vim ut utroque mandamus intellegebat, ut eam omittam ancillae sadipscing, per et eius soluta veritus.

I learned something new today.  I checked to see what the above means... and ...  It doesn't mean anything. It's called "greeking" -- it's filler or placeholder text that publishers and graphic designers use to designate a text block, without actually putting anything specific in the text block. It's used a lot when putting together a basic layout. It allowed you to show what the text will look like on it, without requiring any actual text from the client.  Could have fooled me!  It actually looks interesting enough actual mean something important, but doesn't!


Took the day off work today, but I have plenty to keep me busy at home.  Had some cabinet doors to adjust, a sprinkler to replace and fifteen sixty-pound bags of California Gold (I wish) gravel to purchase and deliver home.  It made a real dusty mess out of the back of the truck AND me when I unloaded.


Now I'm off to mow the lawns...

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life. Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In
disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum
tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no
tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side
of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a
drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--
strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for
a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his
eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean," he swallows excitedly,"I can check my e-mail from
here?"

How to get out of a speeding ticket
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner..
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Tact
Tact: The ability to tell someone to "Go to Hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.

Another Season Finale...

Many times I have commented about Max's "approach" to doing his "binness".  How he sidles up to a bush or tree, and maybe that's not right, so he sidles up to the other side.  Last night's American Idol finale was pretty good (and with predictable results), having many, many celebrities on to make the "reveal" show worth watching more than the last five minutes.  A highlight, was the roasting of Simon Cowell who is moving on after this season.  Now, you are probably wondering (and you should) what Max's "approach" has to do with Simon Cowell.  Simon received man, many boos and even chortles as the audience deals with the shock of what his comments were, and then the reality of the truth of it all sets in.  Listening to "what" Simon said became much more important than how he said it, and the bluntness of it all.  He didn't sugarcoat the truth, but still nobody (especially the performer) wanted to hear it.  Simon's approach was more direct than we'd all like to hear.  Keeping in mind that it is a singing and entertaining contest, bluntness and reality is certainly more important.  Unfortunately, because of the audience vote factor, the contest frequently became a popularity contest, especially with the teeny-bopper vote.  I applaud Simon for his approach, however hard to listen to.  I also applaud him for the patience that he had, although frequently lost dealing with Paula or a performer that REALLY doesn't listen.  He frequently asked that the performer show more of what he/she is rather than try to be something that he/she is not, so thereby revealing the one that SHOULD win.  So, once again, what does this have to do with Max's approach ?  Well, probably, nothing, except that it takes much longer to produce the same results dancing about in uncertainties, if he would just be more direct, like Simon!

 Two rednecks from Alabama , Buck and Bill, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer. Bill turns to Buck and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Alexander City Community College and sign up for some classes.' Buck thinks
it's a good idea and the two leave.  The next day, Bill goes down to the
college and meets the Dean of  Admissions, who signs him up for the four
basic classes: Math, English,  History, and Logic.  'Logic?' Bill says.
'What's that?'  The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example.  Do you own a weed
eater?'  'Yeah.'  'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed  eater, I
think that  you would have a yard.'  'That's true, I do have a yard.'  'I'm
not done,' the Dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think  logically that
you would have a house.'  'Yes, I do have a house.'  'And because you have a
house, I think that you might logically have a  family.'  'Yes, I have a
family.  'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
must  have a wife.  And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must  be a heterosexual.'  'I am a heterosexual.  That's amazing, you were
able to find out all of  that because I have a weed eater.'  Excited to take
the class now, Bill shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to  go meet Buck at
the bar. He tells Buck about his classes, how he is  signed up for Math,
English, History, and Logic.  'Logic?' Buck says, 'What's that?'  Bill says,
'I'll give you an example.  Do you have a weed eater?'  'No.'  'Then you're a queer.'

"You're never disappointed in an X-rated movie. You never say,
"Gee, I never thought it would end *that* way."
 - Richard Jeni

Weight problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

Pet shop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

Why alcohol should be served at work

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

You can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks. 

Being a man definitely has its perks

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal. 

Scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water....

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico. 

Great TV ?

Boy it was hard to get up this morning.  Much good TV last evening (I have to make a big deal about it, since it occurs so seldom).  We watched NCIS Season Finale, Glee and The Good Wife Season Finale, while recording American Idol and Dancing With The Stars.  NCIS was well written and acted.  The part of Gibbs never ceases to amaze me as to its depth and complexity.  It makes the show.  Glee had its usual fast-moving and funny plot with the usually outstanding song and dance numbers.  Last night, the numbers were from Lady Gaga and KISS.  The Good Wife has outstanding writing which is providing no end to plot twists and opportunities for great performances.  I can easily see this show winning many awards this season.  We record the AI and DWTS because we enjoy watching them, but not the 60% + commercial breaks.  This way we can skip ahead on all those.  If every night of the week were as good as Tuesday or Thursday nights on TV, there would not be issues with the networks making megabucks.  The really unfortunate part about TV programming is that almost all of the good or great shows are put on concurrently to attempt to draw audiences.  That causes other prime-time nights to have absolutely NOTHING worth watching on.  Spreading the shows about the schedule would be the best solution, but some bean-counter has decided that this way is better (probably based on some kind of actuarial statistics) for gaining market share.  There, I have reported and pontificated enough....

The German

controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.”

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground (with typical German impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop”. 

Accidental Inventions.
As we all know, many of today’s inventions were discovered by accident. For example, adhesive transparent tape started out as being electrical tape. Someone used it on paper, and today it has become a household product. Ray Kroc, of McDonald’s fame, visited Hawaii and introduced the Hula Burger, pineapple ring on top of the beef patty. It was a miserable flop. But pineapple pieces cooked with pizza became a hit. Today, many pizza restaurants offer pineapple as a standard topping. Below are some ideas I propose. Some may go the way of the hula burger, and some may become mega successes. Think of the possibilities:


Fragrant petrol and diesel. Have you ever been stuck behind a diesel truck, belching diesel fumes? You wind up all the windows, but how do you breathe? Co-incidentally, the temperature in the pizza oven is the same as that inside the engine. So we should create an oil that, when burnt, gives off the aroma of freshly cooked pizza. This should be mixed with the diesel. Now everywhere the bus or the truck travels, it will leave a trail of pizza smell, rather than diesel fumes. Imagine the crows trying to locate the smell and pecking on the exhaust pipes! Pretty soon the diesel will come in varieties, such as pepperoni, meat lovers’, vegetable supreme, etc. But let’s not stop with the diesel. We can do the same for gasoline. Pretty soon we will see bumper stickers that say: “This car is powered by KFC BBQ Chicken!” 


Fragrant Waste! Every year, the perfume factories throw away millions of gallons of perfume that was not quite the right formula, e.g. Chanel 9 ¾, if you get my meaning. Instead of throwing away all that stuff, why not use it in ways that will recover the cost or even make a profit? For example, toilet cleansers currently smell of chlorine (Ugh!). Why not of perfume? Or L’Oreal Toilet Duck? Or Givenchy Cleanser?
Pretty soon the toilet paper companies will get wind of this trend and we will see Yardley and Brut brand toilet paper instead of Charmin or Zeddy! The toilet paper would smell good, thereby relieving you of the duty to spray with air freshener. Now no one can accuse you of “stinking up the place”. Soon, status designers will come out with designer toilet paper, with button–down versions. Question is, what would you button it to? (Don’t even think of it!) 

Murphy's Car is Stolen

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.  'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

What happened to Spring ??

This will be an interesting experience, as I have sold some coins on Ebay to someone in the Ukraine.  International postage through the USPS is extremely confusing.  After visiting the post office today and discussing the issue with the postal worker at the window, I am even more confused, but I will go with the flow and be extra sure not to complain while I am inside the post office!!!


Getting cold outside and feels more like Fall than Spring.  I wonder what that says about the Summer we should expect....

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again. 

Vet Death

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known also as Brown N Serve, he received one of the warmest funerals. Dozens of celebrities showed up including Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and Skippy. The grave was stacked with flours as Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, calling Fresh a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in the business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. Never considered a smart cookie, he wasted much dough on half-baked ideas, falling for tarts who buttered him up. Still, the crusty old man was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by a second wife. They have two children and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks

had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Wishing a dog-day afternoon to all...

Well Hachi turned out to be a pretty good story and revealing insight into the Akita-man bonding and ethereal relationship.  It had us all bawling.  The dog that played the lead was absolutely gorgeous!

My son was busy all evening with the end of "Lost".  I thank him fervently for not subjecting us to it at home!

My visit to the dentist today was less eventful than I expected.  All that he did was grind it down a bit and send some options to the insurance company.  I guess they will dictate what gets done.  A fine mess our medical services have become....

Max was already hopping up and down to go for a walk when I got home and opened the front door.

Lesser Known Metric Units

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day to day life, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams (especially kilograms), meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units, they're clueless, so we thought we'd help the educational process along a bit.

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
* this is also known as an onosecond
* Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
* Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
* Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line
* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
* 2200 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
* 52 cards = 1 decacards
* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
* 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 100 rations = 1 C-ration
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 4 nickels = 1 paradigms
* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

  and...

* 100 Senators = Not 1 good decision

Murphy's Laws of Combat
* If the enemy is in range, so are you.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
* The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
* Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
* when you're ready for them.
* when you're not ready for them.
* Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
* If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
* A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
* Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
* Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
* If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
* When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
* Friendly fire isn't.
* If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
* The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
* There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
* A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
* Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
* If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
* Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
* Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
* The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
* One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
* A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
* Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
* The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
* Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Interchangeable parts aren't.
* No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
* If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
* The one item you need is always in short supply.
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
* The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
* Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
* When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
* Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
* The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
* To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
* The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
* The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
* When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
* The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
* A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
* Murphy was a grunt. 

Parvinder and Habib are beggars in Vancouver and beg in different areas of the city.

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $5 to $10 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $20 bills, and drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $20 bills every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?  Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $5 - $10!

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan'.

Important Message for all Nature Lovers, Campers, and Hikers.
Camping, hiking or working in wild country can lead to close
encounters with bears, and because each species may react in a
different way, it is important to know how to tell them apart.

With the increase in bear attacks in recent years, Parks Canada
has come up with some strategies to keep you safe. Although you
don't want to startle a bear, you do want to let a bear know you
are in its vicinity. By tying a small bell to your jacket, the
gentle sound will be will heard and the bear will head in the
opposite direction. Just in case you still find yourself face to
face with a bear, also carry a can of pepper spray.

Under field conditions, bears are rarely in plain view; usually
they are partially hidden by shrubs, trees or rock. The next
strategy is to learn which bears are in the area you are
visiting, i.e. Black Bears or Grizzly Bears.

The foolproof way to tell, is to look for bear scats (droppings).
You can examine these scats to identify the foods consumed by the
bear. If the scats have a sweet fruity smell, and contains
berries, you can be sure it from a Black Bear.

If the dropping smell of pepper and contain tiny bells, you know
it's a Grizzly Bear.

----

Here's another way to tell Brown bears from Grizzly bears.

First, as soon as you see a bear, climb up the nearest tree.

If the bear climbs up the tree and attacks you - it's a Brown
bear.

If the bear pushes over the tree and attacks you - it's a
Grizzly bear.

Outrageously Gusting...

I am trying very hard not to take any antihistamines. The weather is not cooperating.  I want to rip out my eyes, they are so itchy.  My nose won't stop running and I keep sneezing.  Putting all that aside, I really feel like I did take antihistamines, as my mind is not clear.  My head feels as though it has been stuffed with sponges.  I really don't feel like doing anything today.


Last night we rented "The Spy Next Door" and "Ninja Assassin".  The first was REALLY for kids (we didn't know) and the second was really bloody, but once you were past that, the story was pretty good.  Tonight, we have "Hachi".


I took Max for a walk today and it was directly into the wind- a big mistake.  He was a bit smarter and closed his eyes and then ran into a bush.  He is pretty tired of this, as well.  It is REALLY very lucky that we don't have anyplace left to burn, because if a fire started, the wind would definitely be a much bigger problem that it has been.

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very
hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.


Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be
a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a
dick.

The Reverend Francis Norton...

woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

The White Lie Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my," she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."