Feeling Zucked

When a close friend that has beat cancer once, calls you and says that his doctor is concerned about a new hot spot, many thought fleet through your mind.  First there is concern, then sympathy, then your own vulnerability becomes visible.  How does he cope with that kind of news?  How do I?  I don't want to lose my friend, nor do I want him to suffer physically, emotionally or mentally.  Sickness is a nasty thing to deal with.  When someone that is a heavy smoker gets cancer, it is still bad, but is a logical result of a bad practice.  When someone gets cancer that is not the result of a bad habit or even accident, that is most difficult to accept.  When it is an innocent child, that is even worse.  I don't wish this ordeal on anyone.  I pray that my friend continues to beat this down...

Days later, the doctor's office calls to apologize for the scare but the reading was falsely based.  What can you do at this point, since the doctor's office is manned by humans that are not always 100% sure of what they are doing...

So, as we look inside of ourselves (reflecting on our vulnerabilities) and also at what our society has become, I wonder what the shift to a digital world has affected.  Certainly, the interaction between friends, relatives and even mates is different now that we have embraced smart phones and non-confrontational electronic social networking.  The world is becoming addicted to the always data-hungry digital media.  What effects will this have on society.  Facebook is stealing the innocence of our inner lives.  Is the use of Facebook "Zucking us up"?

It is bad enough that we have become dependent, but kids have never known different and have adjusted far to fast.  What have they lost having never known different ?

Perhaps there is still hope... 

Why Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $50,000 per month. 

Krikey

Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Being Useful

Will Fleecebook ever live it down ???

I am quite sure that the IPO didn't go off as planned, but many investors MADE money at the expense of the unsuspected.  Why is this IPO different from any of the others?  Is it because of the hype which made it seem to valued at so many billions that the complications arose to be sure that profits were spread around (not to the investors, though).

Have you ever felt as though you have outlived your usefulness?  That is probably the best time to volunteer at a local charity.  Those places are always looking for useful volunteers.  It will adjust your life's perspectives and attitudes.

Accident summary:
Some people who had automobile accidents were asked to summarize exactly what happened on their insurance form.

The following quotes were taken from those forms:

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle
and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

• The pedestrian had no idea of which way to go, so I ran
over him.

• The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the wife."It's the dog." the guy claims.
"Don't blame the fucking dog" she yells,"It was cooked perfectly!!"  

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 (You'll love this)

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you.

Kibosh

Don't you find it curious that all the hype over picking a GOP candidate appears to have been dropped.  Nobody is even reporting what Romney is saying.  Did I miss something, or has the real campaigning against Obama not really started yet ??  Or will it? Sometimes I feel as though I live under a rock, even though I read at least two newspapers and multiple news websites every day...someone tell me what is happening...

Something hit me this morning, kibosh.  I feel as though the kibosh is closing in on me... now what the hell does that mean?  "Kibosh", according to the online dictionary, means to put an end to something.  It seems as though there is something that is ending everyday that I read the news, AND there are things that we want to end, so we'll put the kibosh on them too.


Seems like there are always actions we should stop, products that we shouldn't use anymore, and places we shouldn't buy anything from.  This is good for you.  This is bad for you.  Don't buy from thee because it doesn't support American jobs. The lists change every day.


And there are the Mayans, which would have us believe that the kibosh is really on the whole world, as of December 21.

Facebook's new rival
SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains. “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said. “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says. “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says,

"Put that away Adam! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close
to supper time. Go outside and play."

Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes
upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray
on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of
his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom
doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!"

Week of Wonder!

It is an amazing week!  

Phillip Phillips was crowned as the new American Idol (well deserved).  

Donald Driver wins the mirror-ball trophy on Dancing With The Stars.  

Miley Cyrus says the sex is cool (and in spite of my dislike for her, this may the only time that I will agree with her- ever).  

Fleecebook's IPO(otherwise known as Initial Private Offering) has become "Faceplant" or "Fleebook", as the company, CEO (Zuck) and Morgan Stanley are sued.   I hope that some Wall Streeters are jailed over this one...

Los Angeles has officially outlawed plastic one-use bags. 

General Colin Powell has endorsed Obama's version of legal same-sex marriage. 

We had an amazing solar eclipse.  

I am really enthused. What else could happen to make this week wondrous?

ABOUT GROWING OLDER... (Will Rogers)

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

I Owe My Mother ....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!

But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

Banks- ick!

Have I said yet recently how much I hate banks ?? After my recent trip to Eagle Rock to secure a lease for a house for Tori and two other girls for her senior year at Occidental, the landlord expressed his wishes that the rent be paid with ONE check.  Tori volunteered to get a checking account and the other two girls can make deposits.  One of the other girls volunteered to handle the utilities by having the remainder deposit one check into her account. Tori and I surveyed which banks were conveniently located in the area, you see we do all of our banking business through credit unions.  We like the kinder and gentler approach that credit unions take to their members.

Upon returning home, we decided which bank brand we would open an account in.  Avoiding BofA (which I won't do business with) and my distaste of Chase, we chose CitiBank.

We entered the local branch and proceeded to the New Accounts desk.  It is a good thing that the lights were on in the bank, because this poor woman was "lights-out, nobody home"!

We told her that Tori needed a student checking account.  She offered up an all in one that allowed bill paying, had an ATM card that was also debit, a credit card and a savings account.  We repeated that we only needed a checking account.

I told her that I was prepared to put $50 into the account to open it.  She continued down the path of no return for an all-in-one account.  She asked for ID and Tori supplied student card and driver's license.  The woman looked closely at both.  Then she said, what school are you going to...

The reply was that we gave you an ID from Occidental.  Don't you think that that is where I am attending?  What is you address, she said.  We replied that is the same as on the driver's license.  Then she said that the opening deposit would be $200.

What I said, your website clearly says that the opening deposit can be as small as $0...  even though I was putting $50 in.  She said, then we'll need $100 in order to put $50 in the savings account.  We then both said, we only need a checking account.  At this point we were not only getting frustrated, but feeling sorry for the woman.  We decided that we would just open both accounts and then close the savings account after the fact.

Now that we had confirmed why (again) we hate banks.  The woman told us that the charge for the checks would be taken out of the account, $25.  How outrageous for 120 checks.  If this was going to be a busy account, we would have probably left by now and told the woman where to stick her account.  As I said, we began to feel sorry for her.

Never again will we do business at a bank unless it is absolutely necessary- and we will certainly not order checks from them, or believe their website claims.

 

Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.

Wish us luck
Katie
P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
Xx

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least:

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again

Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Divided vote...

Isn't amazing how some topic that is very important, but not previously addressed by POTUS, can be blown so far out of proportion?  Since the Feds have no control over what the states do to allow same-sex marriage, having POTUS come out in favor while Uncle Mitt is obviously religiously against, is showing that POTUS is changing as the society and culture is changing, but the formerly (G)OP is not.  So what is the result?
Nobody that is gay will cast a vote in the direction of the the GOP.  Nobody that is related to a gay will cast a vote in the direction of the GOP.  The Bible Belt will be left out in the cold, as they would not vote for a Mormon OR someone that advocates same sex marriage.  Progressives will vote Democratic.  Anti-blacks will vote Republican.  Young voters will vote for POTUS while old voters will continue to vote for the split-tongue GOP.  What an election...  This will outrank the election decided by a hanging chad, for sure.  Just how much will Uncle Mitt change his story- just to get elected?  I think this country is suffering from Electile Dysfunction!

Separated at Birth?

" We all have nerd power, we just forget. We all grow up thinking we are artists, engineers, astronauts, and dreamers, but then give over to doubt and practicality. In short, we let someone more capable take the lead. But there is no one else. Just you. If we are lucky someone steps in, takes a hand and says ' let me help you believe."

Regina Duggan
TED lecturer

Woman's Poem 
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

Like his mother used to do.

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the
better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an
hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do
you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going
so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The
woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his
point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited
her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better - your ear or your finger?"

Ali G's version of the bible

Check it !  'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old.

It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It
have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well
boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New
Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been
fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.

Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up
a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been
class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey
was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da
basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them
altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey
died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey
say (not de dinosaurs hobviously coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I
has remixed dem for da new millenimum.

Da old Commandments:

I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt,
out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass.

Da New Commandments:

I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire,
u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it, me is well into bondage.
Westside.
Do not dis Tupac.
Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold
de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid
on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
Respec your Nan.
Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
Thou shalt not deal.
Thou shalt not wear false titties.
Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz
a minger).

Ten Commandments: Republican Style

I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them.

II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies.

III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty.

IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school children.

V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil liberties.

VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest above those of your corporate contributors.

VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children and babies behind.

VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and demonize them.

IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as soon as possible.

X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda. 

Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family) - RULES FOR GUYS
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is YOUR responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Politics: At any level...

Yesterday I received a newsletter from my Home Owners' Association.  In the newsletter was a blatant endorsement of candidates running to replace the current board.  I was outraged that the HOA management company would allow personal use of the newsletter even by an officer of the board. Confronting them, apparently has not been a successful communication.  There is much frustration and the expectation is that the election will be tainted.  I feel powerless.  I don't know if I have the stomach for a political fight.  It is not a normal feeling for me, but the damage is already done.  All that is left is damage control, or we will have the same board as before.

I believe I said this before, but here goes.  People try to get elected to the board of an HOA for only two reasons: to make something happen or to keep something from happening.  Also, there is no longer a place for an honest man in politics!

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment"

Irony

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00.

The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

Punography
I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's synching now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem."

Flying is not fun anymore...

Yesterday was nerve wracking. Since all my family use the same email provider, we can see when any of them are online and are "chattable".  The time in Rome is nine hours ahead of local time, so seeing my daughter online at 3 a.m. AFTER her finals are over and the night before returning home to California, was a surprise.  I guess we should always spend our last night in Rome dancing the night away.  The concern was that she be ready and alert for the trip home, which started at 6 a.m. with a long taxi ride to the airport, then waiting in an international check-in line, checking her bags (including paying the overweight and second bag fees) and the long flight to Newark, NJ- and on.
Well, I opened chat with her and she declared that when was staying awake in order to sleep on the plane.  Okay, I guess- if you find yourself in a sleep conducive setting (without crying babies, etc.).
To make a long story, shorter; she made the flight to Newark, but the plane was late to take off from Rome.  International flights returning to the U.S. now require that you fill out customs declaration papers, retrieve your checked baggage, present them both to customs (which allows a search within, if they desire), then waiting in a check-in line for the next leg of your journey and checking in your bags again.
She just barely made it to the flight, because of the domino effect of the original delay of the Rome flight.  She had to take a train to the gate and run.
The flight from Newark to LAX was uneventful. In LA, she had a layover of about two hours to catch an 8:00 flight to Santa Barbara.  The flight showed delayed on my status gathering efforts.  It finally was marked as taxiing down the runway, so we left for the airport.
Parking at the newly remodeled airport, that still is not totally completed, was a nightmare.  We could see a few cars parked in the short-term parking, but even after two times through the airport loop, we couldn't see how to get into the lot. Finally, we swung into long-term parking and walked about two blocks to get to the terminal.
When we arrived, the place was deserted and the monitors had marked her flight's arrival another hour later.  We finally found a ticket agent to ask for status in person.  This was a large husky woman with a strong Russian accent.  I would have picked her as a baggage handler, instead of ticket agent.  Her story was that the plane returned back to the terminal for maintenance AND may not fly in at all.  This would put Tori on a bus or a hotel for the evening.  Unacceptable, but since she didn't have a cell phone (except an Italian dispose-a-phone, we couldn't contact her.  Even if we drove down to get her, she wouldn't know it and we might pass her on the freeway riding a bus.  Also, with TSA restrictions as they are, a passenger must always ride the plane that carries their luggage.  If we picked her up, how would we retrieve her luggage?  What a mess!
We came home and I continued tracking the flight.  Thank goodness for FlightAware.com, because they showed the flight had already taken off, and they were tracking it to land here in about 15 minutes.  The United site showed no status change at all!
We climbed into my truck and began to leave when we noticed that one of my headlights had just burned out.  I re-parked and we took the car.  When we got to the airport terminal, a plane was landing that had United markings.  We went inside and proceeded to the place where passengers leave the secure area to wait for Tori.  Many people came out, and then a flight crew.  I asked whether there were more passengers behind them.  They replied that their plane was from Denver not LA.  The LA flight was just landing.
Finally, my little girl (who is 21 and flew the world by herself) returned (safely) after four and a half months in Italy, Austria and Hungary, and five hours of hanging around at LAX to get home.  I looked at my watch and it was ten minutes to midnight. Flying isn't fun anymore!!!

As you can see by the seal at the top of this post, I support the POTUS in his decision to support like sex marriages. Whether or not it can be a religious ceremony or not depends on the church, but otherwise, a civil ceremony is nothing more than a contract between two independent parties.

Liar
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Twin Brothers
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

Resistance Appears Futile

I feel as though I am being disincentivized to capitulate- "resistance is futile", apparently.Southern California Edison has allowed me to opt out of getting a Chinese-made digital power-use meter that they can read remotely via packetized radio. The REAL downside is that they can read the meter hourly, if they chose, and charge differently for power depending the their whim and the demands of the hour.  Also, the meters are bidirectional, or essentially controllable by them, as well.  Pay your bill late, and they turn you off remotely.  Have the AC on during a hot day and there is an impending brown-out because the power grid is insufficient; they can throttle our power to whatever percentage they deem, at any time.  
I put our name on a "delay conversion" list, until the PUC decided whether this would really be allowed.  A judge forced them to create an opt-out program. The court allowed SCE to charge $75 to keep you old meter, plus a $10 fee per month to get it read.  The PUC has not yet ruled.  I had expected a revolt, but power is in numbers.  It appears as though the resistance has already capitulated...

Deep Thoughts Contest
From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" (Saturday Night Live)

THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.


SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.


FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Good, Better, Best

GOOD: A Houma, Louisiana policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans, Louisiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

This is a true story.
I was going through customs from Canada into Alaska in 1980 and I noticed a glass cabinet on the wall showing samples of drug contraband. I little while later a saw a hippie looking closely as the display and when a boarder patrol officer walked by the hippie turned and said, "Excuse me, how much is that pipe?"

Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

What "brand" are you ?

I read an article about website that can be used to adjust the world's view of you through Google.   This site, BrandYourself.com, claims to trap references to you and allow you to modify them.  I have always been pushing the idea of maintaining one's privacy.  Short of our family, and our health; it is really all that we have.  This service may be what the doctor ordered, but still there should never be anything revealed on the web that you don't know about, theoretically.  Maintain control against blaspheming or revealing anything that you wouldn't want printed on the front page of the newspaper. Everything you say in print (electronically) or your pictures represent the first impression of you.  If you want to be known as that guy with the weird t-shirt on (or off), pictures of you on the web will speak for you- volumes.

Also, be wary when you access unencrypted WiFi or free hotspots.  The fellow sitting next to you at the local Starbucks or Tim Hortons may be listening in on your every keystroke.  Don't access any websites of importance unless it is a secure connection.  Even that car parked down the street from your house may contain someone on a laptop doing the same.  Keep your home WiFi encrypted to the hilt- and only allow known users.

Statistically speaking....

six out of seven dwarves are not Happy. 

Where to Retire

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature,"
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You've worn out a car horn.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression. 

You can Live in Maine where...

You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR You can live in Florida where..

You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds. 

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Why is the country in debt?

So let me get this straight.....If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot.Two Americans just got 8 years for crossing the Iranian border. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job, a drivers license, food stamps, a place to live, health care, housing & child benefits, education, & a tax free business for 7 years... No wonder we are a country in debt.

The Ordeal...

So the ordeal (see the previous post) wasn't so bad (once you get past the ingress/egress of liquids and the over-exposure in the procedural room at the clinic). I had to drink liters of foul tasting chemicals, last night and this morning.  After checking in, they showed me where to change.  Then a bunch of us were herded into a waiting room, in our hospital gowns.  Nobody said a word for almost an hour.  Nobody wanted to even be recognized while in that silly get-up. After they gave me the drugs, the rest of the ordeal went by in a snap.  


What was really interesting is how many times I was asked who I was, my birthday and what I was there for.  Of course, I had a hospital ID bracelet on with all that information.  I just think they were testing me...

New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.