There were four people called Anybody, Nobody, Everybody, And Somebody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody thought Somebody would do it!!
Some got angry with this because it was Everybody's job.
Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!!
Stuck On The Island An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"
Ode to Texas
The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."
Please Lord, now that he's gone, won't you send rain?
"I'm not into that one-night stand thing. I think a person should
get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use
and degrade them."
- Steve Martin
Revealing Gift Test
Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick
the gift you'd most like to receive.
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron
After you've selected, scroll down...
.
.
.
.
.
1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys
traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
-OR-
You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over
everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the
scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
-OR-
You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and
die.
3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word.
-OR-
You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word.
4. SEX It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit
who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another
consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be
meaningful and beautiful.
-OR-
You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal
living solely for one carnal experience after another.
5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that
special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and
candlelight.
-OR-
You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for
food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who
believes in gifts that you can actually use.
-OR-
You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and
probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving
kitchen appliances.
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