Pure Unadulterated Hogwash

I used to produce this blog every day, but recently there has been a dearth of new jokes except for Congress' performance.  Unfortunately, that has taken up much of the news as well, none of it good.  After my 401k became a 201k, they are still after what is left....amazing.

Under the category of "clogging the internet with worthless crap". [of which I hope this blog doesn't take the lead], retailers are now finding out that they can save trees(?) by emailing you a receipt instead of giving you a paper one.  While, innocently, this may sound like a good or even great idea, remember that you have now opened yourself to advertising from the retailer, spam from whomever the address is sold to and added yet another email that you have to save.  Apple stores have been doing this for a long time now, but now even grocery stores are getting on the bandwagon...

Under the category of  pure unadulterated hogwash, this story reports that Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis actually thought that Lyndon Johnson was behind JFK's assassination. While the event did occur in Texas, I don't REALLY believe that I could locate one more person that lived through that time period that would express this belief.  Did she dislike him that much ?

Wise Words from a Stockbroker...
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.  He said, "If the Republicans and their Tea Party whackos continue to have their way, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying,

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road "

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $82.84 per scoop....so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated now? 

The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,  'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! 

Business one-liners
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to... uh...

IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night...

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."