Renting A Dream

I am still trying to figure out why I enter almost every contest and sweepstakes that I come across.   I never win anything.  I buy lottery tickets every so often, but I never win anything there either.  A friend told me that if I was going to buy a lottery ticket for a particular drawing, buy it early to get my money's worth.  I didn't understand, but he explained.  You are renting a dream.  The earlier you buy it, the longer you get for your rental payment.  If you win, you get your rent back!  The cost of the ticket is only for the dream of winning.  The odds against winning are so high, I tell my wife that she only has a slightly better chance of winning if she buys a ticket!

Is your smart phone taking over your life?  Are you addicted to its pleasures and demands? Do you have less time for the "normal" pleasures of life?  A good measure of your dependency is to leave it home and turned off for a week.  If you can do that, you might not be addicted...

Irish Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, went to Paris to expand his line of furniture

In Paris, he visited manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to have a glass of wine. He noticed that the small place was crowded, and the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

A beautiful young girl asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); he invited her to sit in the vacant chair. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn’t speak English. After a couple minutes of trying to communicate with her, he drew a picture of a wine glass on a napkin and showed her. She nodded, so he ordered her a glass of wine.

Later, he drew a picture of a plate of food on a napkin, she nodded. They found a quiet cafe that featured romantic music. They ordered dinner, then he took another napkin and drew a couple dancing. She nodded, and they danced until the cafe closed.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. 

"I stay away from the miserable people, because misery loves company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying. "Go around! Go around!"
- Margaret Smith

Advice from Curtis & Leroy:
Limit all US politicians to two terms..
One in office
One in prison ......
Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them. 

An English-Chinese interpretation:

• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register... 


In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy hot.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .' 


In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?