Equal Opportunities For All

So I am wondering today, why is all the rioting in Egypt going on now.  After all, Mubarak has been in control for thirty years or so.  It certainly wasn't Tunisia's performance that got it moving. IMHO, it is the internet.  Communications are so widespread now, the people there (actually almost everywhere) are getting to see what is going on in the rest of the world- and what they don't have.  They are jealous (and they should be) that with as much wealth as Egypt has, it doesn't get shared equitably.  There are the very rich and there are the very poor- and not much in between.  They depend on over a billion dollars of aid from us that the average Hosni ("Joe") never sees.  They visit their museums and see golden treasures of the past and wonder where theirs is.  I don't blame them for reacting.  The internet is the great leveler.

Does Mark Zuckerberg qualify as the coolest nerd of all time?  Would you think that someone that rich would consider hiring a coach to dress or even how to act?  Is it is no wonder that he's been dating the same girl since college, and she hasn't found someone else or hooked him?


I was a graduate student until 1975.  While I was at UCSB, my colleagues were working on a project funded by the gubmint called Arpanet.  This was the predecessor to the internet as we know it today.  Nineteen years later, in 1994, it still hadn't become common to everyone. Now, seventeen years later it is commonplace and access to it is easy from you hand-held smart phone, your car's dashboard, your appliances, et cetera.  Where are we headed ?

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

How soon can I go home?'For people over 40 . . .
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Gone Postal

I just had a package delivered to my house today.
I never heard of the delivery company before and asked the driver about it.
He told me that he, along with so many others were "Black Balled" from U.P.S. and Federal Express because they have been previously fired from The United States Postal Service.
So they formed a delivery service of their own.
It is called Fed-Up

Throwing Taxpayer Monies Away....

I am outraged!  Why did we save this collective group of pompous asses?  Goldman-Sachs is handing out raises and bonuses at the taxpayer's expense and what is the gubmint doing about it ??  Probably nothing! We live in a country that supports banks but lets the individual blue-collar Joe go on welfare.  What is wrong here?  I wholeheartedly support NOT doing business with ANY banks.  I do whatever I need with a local credit union.  They never forget whose money it is. They work for me, and not the other way around....

Last night we watched "The Other Man", for as long as we could stand it.  No wonder we never heard of it....

Why California is broke...
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

 2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

 3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

 4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

 5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

 6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

 7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

 8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

 9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


Wyoming: The Governor of Wyoming is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

 1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

 2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that is why California is broke and Wyoming is not.

Short Notice Bang

Too bad they couldn't do any better...on such SHORT notice.  Sarah Palin will be speaking in Santa Barbara to help celebrate Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday.  Maybe it was the best bang for the buck and she was available (since she isn't governor anymore).

Last night we went to a Realtor's open house downtown. Afterward, we decided to walk to dinner.  Currently the Santa Barbara Film Festival is in progress.  The main street through town was blocked off in front of a theater where they were awarding an actress for her performances.  The actress was Annette Bening.  After about ten minutes' wait, a limousine showed up at the end of a red carpet and Annette Bening and her husband Warren Beatty got out and worked the fans.  We were about two feet from them and had a short conversation while they signed autographs.  It was cool.  They ARE real, not just images on the screen!

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".

The World’s Funniest Real Ads
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Fraught With Unseen Perils

Bad things happen!  The unexpected is always "not a good thing" in the eyes of those that are trying to read the signs.  I  pontificate on the hazards of security (especially) and identity loss on the internet REGULARLY, but with good reasons.  When I warn my kids, I am poo-pooed.  "That could NEVER happen...", they say.  "I have self restraint about the buttons I push, the websites I visit and the emails I open.  It can't happen to me...", they chant.  I keep telling them that that isn't good enough.  There are ghost sites which mimic the real sites.  One has to be ever so careful that you are giving private information to the correct location, if you really should at all.  There even is a site that provides the capability to "anonymousize" the source of what you send.  Emails received may not be from whom you thought, and actually the fake sources have been "borrowed" from your own directories.  Please don't think that I'm a naysayer.  I love the internet and all that it has to offer.  Unfortunately, one of the byproducts of keeping it unregulated and free are the dangers that "lurk under almost every rock and around almost every corner".  The nature of the internet is not only a profit making venture, but also a scammer's heaven of unlimited methodologies and schemes to play on the naivete of the unsuspecting web surfer.

So Taco Bell says, thanks for suing us, but our taco meat is 88% beef.   What is the rest, a secret blend of Hamburger Helper ?  I always assumed (as they wanted me- the consumer to do) that beef tacos were made with spiced beef- not augmented or supplemented.  To quote another company's campaign slogan, but is very appropriate here, "Where's the beef?".  Why not call them "meat and by-products and extenders tacos?  Mmmmmmmmmmm.

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:

 GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read
"Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He puther on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you fricking retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. 

Actual Excerpts From Letters To Landlords
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
“The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”
“I am writing to you on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”
“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”
“Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is funny looking and not fit to drink.”
“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”
“Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”
“When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”

Kids today are spoiled --

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ###! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and ##*% it all up!
There were no CD players!
We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ### and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-########!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

14) And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Selling Your Vitals and Pics....Shame on You For Letting Them

It continues...Facebook is now allowing advertisers of products that you say "Like" to, the capability to use information, names  and pictures from your profile (BAD)!  Perhaps they did ASK your PERMISSION, but I doubt it.... They should be paying for your endorsement.  I'm sure that Facebook is getting something for providing access, but they are not sharing...  Shame on you for letting them do it!


This is an outrage!  When a mother seeks better educational opportunities for her kids, because the school system has failed; what would you expect the penalties for cheating on your address so thay can go to a better school district.  1.) Kick the kids out and back to their own district, and 2.) Fine the mother with a misdemeanor charge.  In this case, the kids were black and the Akron school district recommended a felony charge which puts the mother in jail, who is keeping the kids' welfare as the primary goal?  Th school district official should be reprimanded or lose his job, but more importantly the District Attorney should be fired for malpractice!

An elderly woman was enjoying a good game of Bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every Bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her Bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing Bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play Bridge, knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

Ponderisms

1 • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2 • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3 • Life is sexually transmitted.

4 • Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5 • The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.

6 • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7 • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8 • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9 • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10 • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11 • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

12 • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13 • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup ?

14 • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

15 • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

16 • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the mansaid, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide herfrom the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me withsexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumbto the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for youractions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I dohave one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

IT HAS BEGUN!  First, I warned about the security of Facebook. Today's news is that Zuckerberg's Facebook page was hacked.  The fact is that someone put something on his page.  They could have just as easily raided it for information.  Secondly, I warned that it was expected that Facebook was going to start selling information gained on their user pages.  According to the news, it has begun, as well.  It won't be long before the WRONG INFORMATION is inadvertently released to advertisers or a hacker sells the information.  Security on Facebook is of utmost importance and the highest risk for users....

French President Nicolas Sarkozy  also has his Facebook page hacked.  As a result of the issues today, Zuckerberg has increased the security on Facebook by utilizing Captcha technology.  "With a little motivation and not much skill, it's fairly trivial to sniff HTTP traffic," Alan Ross, the lead security analyst for Intel IT.  Obviously, the Facebook servers don't or didn't think that it was necessary.  This is what I've been getting at.  Facebook is "not ready for primetime" regarding security, given the gargantuan responsiblity that they have accepted.  I hate to say "I told ya so....".

Ancient History Explained...
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!" 

Oh crap... A Canadian Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Goose Bay, Labrador Air Base, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the Canadian Air Force. I've been in Goose Bay, Labrador for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us! 

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

They Walk Among Us!

Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS,TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 
'Twas The Month After Christmas
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist;

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

The wine and the rum balls;
The bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Soda pot! Soda pot! Oh, soda soda pot!

Stranger things have happened, but at least Rudy Giuliani (as on Piers Morgan Tonight) agrees that Sara Palin is all wind and no sail.  He is sure that she can win the nomination, but also sure that she cannot win against Obama.  My feelings exactly.  If Sarah Palin is the best shot that the GOP has to win against Obama, then the GOP has MUCH BIGGER problems.


The story about credit cards going away like vinyl records stirred up a lot of controversy about the safety issues of smart phones.  How smart are we going to allow them to be?  How much purchase-preference data are we going to allow them to report to God-knows-who on the web?  How will the buyer prove to the phone that it is okay to use the credit account?  How can the buyer use the smart phone to purchase where he cannot get cell coverage?  How about a purchase where you cannot have smart phones powered up ?  What happens when I lose my smart phone?  How do I get my account back?  What about if you don't have a smart phone, or wish one, or can't afford one?

There is currently a class action suit against Taco Bell claiming that their taco meat isn't enough beef to call beef.  What else is in the taco meat?  Is it some other kind of meat? Is it soy? Is it melamine?  It is time that the FDA cracks down on all food and drug manufacturers.  If they call it beef, I would (as a consumer) expect it to be 100% beef.  If they called them "meat" tacos rather than "beef tacos", then the door would be open for them to include unspecified meats other than beef.  Remember when Jack In The Box was serving Kangaroo without informing the public.  For God's sake, isn't there enough profit in fast food already without cheating on the most basic part of the food.

With all the controversy about legalization of marijuana, and its medical usage as well as the location of distribution centers, what a great time to create a new product: soda that contains pot!  The initial offering of "bud in a bottle" will be Doc Weed, Orange Kush, Grape Ape, Sour Diesel and Canna Cola.  This may be the way that we become desensitized to whole idea.  After all, caffeine is a drug and so is alcohol- but we have socially been desensitized to its use.  If nothing else, the bottle will surely become collectible very fast....
  

Tips for Rednecks...
Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

Entertaining In Your Home A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home

Th Most Dangerous Device You Own

The most dangerous device you own is your smart phone.  As your smart phone becomes holds more of your sensitive data, not only financial, but also identity information.  This becomes you largest liability towards theft and fraud.  Your smart phone will eventually replace your wallet, but as in viticulture, "no wine before its time".  The industry has not implemented the protection required for safe operations as a financial vessel.  I certainly would not want to be a guinea pig in this endeavor.
Don't ever consider misplacing or losing your smart phone.....

 We don't like dealing with re-runs, so last evening I went to rent a movie.  First scanning Redbox, there was nothing worth renting- even for a buck.   Then I remembered a large 99 cent banner hanging in front of the local Blockbuster store.  I went in and was amazed at how much space there was between everything.  They were either planning for large crowds or their offerings a dwindled tremendously.  Since the place was almost empty, I assumed that their brick-and-mortar operations were definitely on the demise.  Being on the edge of death would explain their price drop.  After spending about twenty minutes in the store, it became obvious that very few titles have been spread around to many shelves and that there were numerous locations in the store that had the same titles.  It was hard to find something that we haven't seen, if we had wanted to.  After the previous night's time water ("Dinner For Schmucks"), I didn't need or want a repeat.  I picked up "Amelia".  While my wife moaned at the title when I got home, it turned out to be an interesting movie.  I would probably rate it at a "C-".  Most interesting though is the historical significance of the facts revealed during the show.  We did not realize that she was married, and that she dallied with Gene Vidal (who was a bigwig in Roosevelt's regime.  She was very friendly with his son, Gore.  As it turns out, this is the Gore Vidal we know of today.  We were not aware of the connection before the movie.

You know your brother in law is a redneck when you go to his house to visit and he pulls his riding lawnmower out from behind the house and he shows you the added features he has put on it.
Am/Fm cassette radio,
A bucket seat that he took out of the wrecked truck in the corn field,
The cup holder he installed(To hold his beer can),
The spot light, to look for deer while mowing at night,
And finally, the alarm system he took off his truck because he is afraid that someone might steal it.

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape redneck fun wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.

Marvin Schlepmuffin Got Us

Of course, we were awakened by the smoke alarm this morning. It decided to let out its loud scream, until we were awake and got out of bed to investigate.  All was well (as far as I could tell) except that Marvin's buddy, a spider, probably walked though the smoke alarm's detection path.


We tried to watch "Dinner For Schmucks" last night.  I say tried, because it was sooo BAD that it was painful.  We finally gave up and shut it off, only to have my wife's curiosity get the best of her.  The title dinner does not occur until the end of the movie, so she wanted to see what happened, no matter how unbearably BAD it was.  I put it back on, and we asked each other why we did it.  Nobody should have even spent the money to MAKE this movie.  It should be shot twice in the head and put out of its misery!

Calling Collect
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

Road Crew
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

Owed Two A Spell Cheque
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.

Housecleaning Hints
-- Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

-- Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

-- General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

-- Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Bad Coffee
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

Cost of Replacement

I went into a few stores today, Staples and Albertson's.  Is it my imagination, or are prices rising dramatically?  Logic would say, if sales are down, then even though fuel costs and shipping are higher, the goods already at the stores shouldn't be going up.  Unfortunately, they do.  Consumers pay REPLACEMENT costs.  SO if a toothbrush it $2.59 and I buy it.  If the markup is 59 cents, then the store pays $2.00 to get a replacement to put on the shelf for sale.  If the cost of replacement goes up, then all the toothbrushes on the shelf go up as well.

Max is not a long dog (you probably guessed that).  It is still so funny though to watch him shake off.  First it is the head and ears, and then moving back like a wave of grain in the wind until it reaches his tail.  You think that was the end of it, but he shakes off all the way to the toes of his rear legs, and sometimes it looks like he shakes them right out from under himself!

If Bill Gates Was From The South

1. They would be called "WindersXP and Winders7".
2. Instead of the hour glass wait icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd open a winder that was covered with a hefty bag and duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes that give you the choice of "Yes, No, or Cancel" would now read "Ahh-right, Naw, or Git".
5. Instead of the "Ta-da" sound when opening Winders, you would now hear the "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would now be called "Out-House".
7. When you open the sound player, you would hear a digitized drunk yelling "Freebird".
8. Powerpoint would now be known as "Parpawnt".
9. Microsoft's programming tolls would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".
10. The Winders95 logo would be the Confederate Flag.
11. Instead of the title "VP", Microsoft's big shots would be called "Cuz".
12. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am or a Chevy truck.
13. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
14. "Well, next thing ya know ol' Bill's a billionaire......"
15. Flight Simulator game would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
16. Microsoft's CEO: Bubba Gates.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.........

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You've had to climb to the top of the water tower with a can of spray paint in order to defend your sister's honor.
The sign "say no to crack" reminds you to pull your jeans up.
You prefer to wear the length off your jeans in lieu of hemming them.
Your father walked you to school every day because you were in the same grade.
When the clerk tells you to take a number you have visions of somebody cheating at bingo.
You, just like all the other members of the Rhino Club, still wear your polyester leisure suit.
You've mowed your lawn and found a car.

Growing Up in a Small Town

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H and FFA are.
3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
4. You used to lap "main".
5. You said the "F" word or smoked a cigarette and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7. You could never buy alcohol because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
8. When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy alcohol, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to drink it.
9. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
10. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
11. You don't give directions by street names, but by references: (Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field).
12. You know everyone's car/truck and are expected to wave when you meet them in the road.
13. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
14. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
15. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
16. You refer anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the "rich people".
17. The people in the "big city" dress funny (then you pick up the trend 2 years later).
18. Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station or the town pub or in front of the post office.
19. You see at least one person a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally.
20. The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
21. Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.
22. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.
23. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.
24. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
25. You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any ID.
26. The closest McDonalds is 15 miles away (or more).
27. The closest mall is over an hour away and is called simply "THE Mall".
28. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
29. You are related in one way or another to a large percentage of the town's Population.
30. You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town (because you know them all).

Just Short of a Singularity

We attended an Arts & Lectures presentation last nigh at Campbell Hall on UCSB campus.  A visionary computer scientist, Jaron Lanier, was speaking.  Once you get past his appearance (i.e. he looks and dresses like a homeless person), and he speaks, you begin to realize how intelligent this guy is.  He is the one that coined the phrase "virtual reality" and introduced it to Hollywood and the video game industry.  Not since I attended a talk by Admiral Grace Hopper, have I been so impressed.  He claims that the true development of computer sciences should be based on the cognitive abilities of the human brain, and until we fully understand how it works, we won't have reached the "singularity".  The Singularity is when computer science reached the pinnacle of creating sentience in a computer.  At that point, as in the movies, they will probably attempt to take over, and no longer needed human, they will eradicate them.  Of course, we REALLY want to reach just below that point and no further.  He also spoke of the cultural shifts that online social networks will cause.  He urged that we all give up online social networking for a year, and we would realize that we we would need it, and that our obsession with being CONNECTED all the time was using up too much of our energies drained from our creative endeavors.  His talk was definitely an eye opener.  (Also checkout his web page: http://www.jaronlanier.com/index.html).

I've mentioned a few times since the gubernatorial election that Meg Whitman's name hasn't been in the news.  Wait no more.  With a board shakeup at HP, we see that she will join the board.  This doesn't mean that she has given up on politics, or that she has run out of money and needs to go back to work.  I think it is important to HP to have renown members on their board. Hopefully, she will NOT become the chairman...

A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

The Stimulus Plan
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.  One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,  then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan works.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.

"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants," he says, "a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample."

She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.
Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.  Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."  

Does American Idol Still Have the "X Factor"?

"American Idol" last night was like watching a different show.  Missing the sugary sweetness and bizarreness of Paula Abdul.  Missing the uncomfortable comments that were out of place as much as Kara Dioguardi was as a judge on this show.  Missing the wit of Ellen Degeneres. Missing the downright honesty and meanness of Simon Cowell.  The show has taken on a new perspective and warmness with Jennifer Lopez.  Steven Tyler is just a good judge of good singing, but he is definitely a creepy, dirty old man that doesn't want to be regarded as such.  Being tied (as usual) to the anchor of reality, is Randy Jackson.  The show is NOT the same, but it is too early to tell if that is good or bad.  The measure will be on the size of the flow of CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, rather than filtered mediocrity.  It is too early for an accurate judgment, but still it is worthwhile to watch.

Word is that America is tiring of Sarah Palin.  Have they come to their senses? Or have they just been re-focused?  I knew it would happen, but don't count her completely out yet.  He strength is that she can easily distract potential voters from reality.  She'll be popping up again, I'm sure.

Do you own your technology or does it own you?  If you think that you HAVE TO check your email very frequently, you are probably addicted.  Set aside a day once a week to shut off computer and cell phone.  Give your mind a break.  Lower your anxiety.  Slow the pace, and "smell the flowers".

Is everyone still mad at Jay Leno?  I don't know all the facts so I don't know how anybody could  ....

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

My prayer for 2011

Dear God,
My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!!! 

Hard of hearing

This dude goes to the doctor complaining of a hearing problem.

The Doc says, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

The dude replies, "Homer’s fat and Marge has blue hair" 

Facebook Naysayer Speaks Wisely...

Interesting reading about another Facebook naysayer, Jaron Lanier.  See the article (and maybe buy the book).  His work reveals many cultural upheavals of which we must take note.

Parking lot

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

 
Who's In Charge
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. 

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"  

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."