So Taco Bell says, thanks for suing us, but our taco meat is 88% beef. What is the rest, a secret blend of Hamburger Helper ? I always assumed (as they wanted me- the consumer to do) that beef tacos were made with spiced beef- not augmented or supplemented. To quote another company's campaign slogan, but is very appropriate here, "Where's the beef?". Why not call them "meat and by-products and extenders tacos? Mmmmmmmmmmm.
A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.c/o Heaven
Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read
"Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He puther on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you fricking retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Actual Excerpts From Letters To Landlords
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
“The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”
“I am writing to you on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”
“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”
“Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is funny looking and not fit to drink.”
“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”
“Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”
“When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”
Kids today are spoiled --
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ###! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and ##*% it all up!
There were no CD players!
We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ### and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-########!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
14) And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
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