"Choice"...

So as the official war in Iraq ends today, I have been asking a few questions ... Was it worth the loss of life ?  Was it worth the monies spent ?  Could we have bought peace there for the same amount of money or less ?  Who REALLY profited ?

Today was very slow.  I had busywork to get accomplished and a training class in Ethics.  The day dragged on for eternities. 


We had a CFL flicker in one of our bathrooms today.  So after work I went over to Home Depot and bought a replacement for seven dollars!  This is one of those bulbs with a special rectangular base and two pins.  It barely provides any light at all, but prevents you from putting in a larger watt bulb without replacing the socket in the ceiling.  Why is it that the gubmint (albeit local) has to restrict what kind of light bulbs that I can put in my house or the building permit would not be issued ?  That bulb costs at least six times more than a normal twist-base CFL, but we are stuck with the limits of that square-based wattage.  Electricity is already expensive, but if I'm willing to pay for regular bulbs or higher wattage twist-based CFLs, that should be my choice.  "Choice" is supposed to one of my inalienable rights!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

So......I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. 

Random thoughts......

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 

 

Message From the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America...

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. As we have a perfectly running arm of our nation situated to your north, we will move your seat of power to Ottawa, Canada immediately. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.  

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2011) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). 

    

Moving Day!

Well yesterday I didn't have a blog entry because we were busy ALL day.  By the time we got everything packed, stopped at Costco, stopped at Target, ate lunch, it was close to 2:00 before we got to the dorm at Oxy.  Then moving all the contents of the truck to the third floor, rearranging the furniture, assembling more furniture, going to the market and cranking up the fridge- it was late.  We didn't get home until after nine.

Today was also very busy and I'm just not getting time to work on this blog...I will make it a point!

Twelve Steps to Not Thinking
I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."
"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"
"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...

• Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
• You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
• You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
• There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
• You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
• You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
• A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
• You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not the force.
• Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
• You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
• You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookies are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
• You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light. 

 

 

 

 

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in
and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair
of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing
to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument
bag open."

The Conversion Chart

10**12 Microphones =	1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles =	2 megacycles
500 millinaries =	1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds =	two kilomockingbirds
10 cards =	1 decacards
1/2 lavatory =	1 demijohn
10**-6 fish =	1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers =	1 pound cake
10**12 pins =	1 terrapin
10**21 picolos =	1 gigolo
10 rations =	1 decoration
100 rations =	1 C-ration
10 millipedes =	1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents =	1 decadent
5 holocausts =	1 Pentacost
2 monologues =	1 dialogues
10 monologues =	1 decalogue
2 monograms =	1 diagram
8 nickles =	2 paradigms
2 snake eyes =	1 paradise
2 wharves =	1 paradox

Fly ?

Now that all the Mexican airlines have shut down (except one), what're we going to do with our old planes ?  Having ridden on that airline twice, once pretty good, and the other really bad, I'd say they probably deserve what they got.  Some of the American ones deserve the same.  If the trains offerred a viable alternative in this country, I think it would be busier and the airlines would have to straighten up.


One peeve that I've had for a long time is that there are so many conditions that affect the price of each seat on a plane, that you really never know if you got a reasonable deal on your own.  Putting the scheduling aside, a seat should cost the same to go the same distance at approximately the same time of the day- no matter which airline you chose.  There is such a variation on the seats of each plane, I would bet that they lose money on half and make money on the rest.  It probably balances out.  If that is true, then the ticketing of airlines should be revamped to a single price for the same seat on each plane (i.e. simplify).  All the superfluous petty charges for luggage, et cetera should be removed and all tickets would carry a fair portion of the burden.  Currently, the airlines have dug themselves a big hole, and try as they might, they can't get out of it.  Meanwhile, their planes are aging and they have no money to buy new.  Following the domino, the plane manufacturers are not selling as many either, so they are downsizing production which shrinks the job force.  It is a nasty spiral.

Seems to make sense-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Frank who?A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow."

New Market Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me!"

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

Big Brother Never Left...

So you were expecting not to lose any more rights, correct ?  The court says that you don't have a right to drive your car where you want to without the authorities knowing about it.  Apparently, they can stick a GPS device under your car anytime they want, without a warrant.  By the way, Big Brother is moving in...  Seems to me that the court is being lazy here, not restricting the Police to use warrants.

Some people dream of retirement, but this girl hasn't showed up to work in twelve years, but he did get paid for working.  She received between $300,000 and $480,000 with benefits.  They are going after her for fraud, now.  It seems, though, that the gubmint agency is more to blame, though.  Why didn't they know that she wasn't working.  Don't we all have to file a W-4 form to know how much to withhold from checks ?  If she didn't file one, how would they know her social security number either.  This place has BIG problems, especially that it took them so long to find the error!

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he
plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from his truck and looked at the wreckage, not
quite sure what to do. Within a matter of minutes, another truck
pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and
spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began
fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had
the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was
that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Back to Oxy

A real busy and stressful day today, and also it started really foggy and eventually cleared.  I was bouncing between buildings evaluating new software.


Well, the big push is on to get Tori packed and delivered to Oxy on Sunday.  I am really going to miss her being here, but I'm also looking forward to a simpler and less demanding times...


The city reveals it's bed tax profits for July and apparently they are way up, which means we had many, many tourists.  Good thing, because someone has to pay for all the new brick-lined crosswalks and bulb-outs.  What's with those anyway ???

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'  

No one  moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to  face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your  transgression.'
         
Again all was  quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has  been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation  roared

A poem by an unknown author....

Boobs
Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip out
They stay put just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes not my tits

I want a raise...
  A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
 
  B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
 
  A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious
  firm for over ten years.
 
  B: Yes.
 
  A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I  currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you  first.
 
  B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just  not the right time.
 
  A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic
  down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take
  into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this
  company for over a decade.
 
  B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
  start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an
  extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
 
  A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
 
  B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after  you?
 
  A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the  Mortgage Company!

Parents, do you know what this test means ??


The text message reads:
"1 w45 50 j4ck3d up |457 n16h7. 1 5c0r3d 50m3 cr4ck 47 7h3 p4r7y 50 1'd h4v3 17 f0r 70n16h7 4nd 70m0rr0w, 4nd 7h3n J1mmy 700k 0ff w17h 17, 7h3 455h0|3! 1 4m 4|| j1773ry 4nd n33d 70 m337 up w17h y0u 70n16h7 4f73r my p4r3n75 7h1nk 1 4m 45|33p. c4n y0u m337 m3 47 b0j4n6|3'5 47 m1dn16h7 ju57 f0r 4 f3w m1nu735? 1 ju57 n33d 4 |177|3 4nd 1 c4n p4y y0u b4ck 0n m0nd4y, 1 pr0m153."

Translation:

"I was so jacked up last night. I scored some crack at the party so I'd have it for tonight and tomorrow, and then Jimmy took off with it, the [expletive]! I am all jittery and need to meet up with you tonight after my parents think i am asleep. Can you meet me at Bojangle's at midnight just for a few minutes? I just need a little and I can pay you back on Monday, I promise."

Who says the government is not efficient?
Pythagorean Theorem: 24 words
The Lord's prayer: 66 Words
The Ten Comandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1300 words

U.S.Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26911 words

TV Misguide...

So we finally got to see the oral surgeon today and Tori is okay except for some minor swelling.


Isn't it interesting how the BP oil spill is not in the news anymore ?  Do we all actually believe that they have cleaned up everything ?  Aren't they going to get fined ?  How long do they have to wait ?


So now I have digital TV service from COX and have over 600 channels and can't find anything worth watching.  I'm really not surprised, but utterly amazed!  The one feature that I really like is the on-screen TV-guide.  Unfortunately, not only does it provide "new" or "rerun" information, but it is also inaccurate as to what is actually showing.  I would have expected that if programming changes that an electronic guide would be easy to keep accurate, but I was wrong....

If women were on the periodic table

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
 
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
 
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. 

Top 10 Signs You're Over The Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and aren't breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

Famous Quotes About Getting Old

• I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
• At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
• Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
• When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
• A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman

Poem By Leo RosenbergFirst you forget names,
then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.

What'd You Think?

 

 

 

Genuine Answers From a 16 Year Old 

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Simple, Keep it in the cow.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

With the last one funniest of all

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

Burnout ?

Today I had to deal with the inadequacy of a piece of equipment that was ordered incorrectly as under-capable.  It would bother me less if I had specified it, and was wrong.  Here someone that makes more money than I, is either over-stretched or has reached his perch in the land of the Peter Principle.

Tori's oral surgeon (that we were supposed to visit today) was naive enough to believe that a Federal Court summons to appear in Los Angeles would free him in less than half a day.  They haven't even got organized and started by then.  Meanwhile, we are now shooting for tomorrow. 

Work doesn't seem as much fun as it used to be...Perhaps I'm reaching burnout.  I need some time off.
 

The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein
participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much
harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up,
and honorable mentions are listed below.

Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In
winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that
stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller
skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right
you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which
we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd
use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped
to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates,
which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels
would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days
roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.

And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek
and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every
day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with
potatoes.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do
addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers
amputated.

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off
voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors
closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the
tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump
at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own
hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the
sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the
back of a giant tortoise.

Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired,
liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal
60-year-old guys.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed
razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just
had to hope you could outrun him.

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch
television by candlelight.

In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.

Get Rich Slow
The End Of Get Rich Quick = The Beginning Of Getting Rich
* Tired of the relentless "Get Rich Quick" schemes that abound?
* Have you fallen victim to pyramid scheme after pyramid scheme in a fruitless attempt to realize your "American Dream" of becoming fabulously wealthy without earning it?
* Have you found attempts to swindle money from the unsuspecting public has left you high and dry?

If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions then you have been barking up the wrong road all this time...

The secret of gaining fortunes is not in getting it quick, but getting it, period. That is why I have created a system of "Get Rich Slow" schemes that are guaranteed to make you millionaires!!! Yes, that is right, If you don't become a millionaire before you die, I will personally give you my entire net worth on the spot! That is how confident I am that these techniques will work. Yes, my friend, the pot of gold that you have been searching for is here, read on:
GET RICH SLOW -- The Basics
The most important concepts in the "Get Rich Slow" philosophy are the three C's (Can, Coin, Couch), commonly referred to as the three "treasures" of getting rich. Once you have memorized and mastered these techniques you will never have to worry about money again...

$ THE FIRST TREASURE - One Word: "Cans"
Today's world severely underestimates the value of turning in aluminum cans for cash. Some states will pay up to five cents per pound that you can collect, which is about the average weight in Coke and Pepsi cans that are used by a family of four in one month! Yes, that means every house on your block is a potential nickel in your pocket, every month! The average neighborhood may contain 90 homes, that is four dollars and fifty cents in your pocket per month! The untapped power of the aluminum can dollar is not yet even begun to be realized... but wait, you say that most families put their recyclable materials in those red or green recycle bins to be picked up every week... A true opportunist sees these little baskets as the golden goose! Go out there and raid those bins! Stick it to the man and take his trash, because that is money in your pocket!

$ THE SECOND TREASURE - Don't spend those old coins, collect them!
Unknown to most people, the coins that you use every day may be twenty, thirty, even forty years old or more. As these coins age, their value goes up astronomically! A silver dollar from the turn of the century goes today for nearly $1.02 on the collectors market, and one from 1870 can go has high as $1.05!!!! Think what would happen if you began stockpiling your twenty and thirty year old coins now... In less than one century you will have all the cash you will ever need! That means no more fiddling with junk savings bonds, no more fear of spending your final years in poverty... You will be sitting pretty with your set of 1972 dimes, dimes that will make you rich! Whoever said the seventies never created anything worthwhile! They will make your fortune.

$ THE THIRD TREASURE - The City of Gold
The third treasure in the pursuit to get rich slow is the hidden gold mine that exists in everyone's house, yes the living-room sofa. The average sofa can collect up to 12 cents from a single man's pants... Some students of the Get Rich Slow philosophy have reported collecting SEVENTY two cents in an average week, merely from rummaging the couch after every guest... Can you believe those numbers??? This is no hoax, this system really works! The highest record reported so far has been one dollar and thirteen cents in a single night after a particularly successful party! With those numbers, how can you lose?

$ SUCCESS IS YOURS -- Don't Hesitate, Act Now, Reap Later
Don't hesitate, go, go, go, and begin raking in your first pennies today and by the end of the year you will be skilled enough to make nearly fifty cents a day. With that earning power you will find yourself free to do all the things you have dreamed of: Buying food, collecting matches, becoming your own employee!

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. Please listen carefully to the menu selections, because they change every hour.....

If you are Obsessive Compulsive . . . press 1, repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent . . . please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities . . . press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid . . . we know who you are, and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional . . . press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic . . . listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Depressed . . . it doesn't matter what number you press . . . no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic . . . press 969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder . . . please fidget with the Asterisk key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia . . . press 8 and then state your Name, Address, Phone Number, Date of Birth, Social Security Number and your Mother's and Grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder . . . slowly and very carefully press 000.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder . . . please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss . . . please try to call again later.

If you have Low Self-Esteem . . . please hang up. Our operators are far too busy to talk to you

If none of the above apply . . . you have the wrong number, though it might be the right time to at least see our doctor.

If you find this to be an error, please call again.

Thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline.

Powerless

Today was a bit frustrating, as the power kept going off.  Now I understand, the plan is to shut off the power and hopefully fix the problem.

Now that Tiger is officially divorced, maybe he can get his game on again (and play golf too)!

Looks like Fogust finally gave up in favor of August, but now it is almost Fall and school started today!

  

NEW DOG BREEDS!
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy. 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a
hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting
BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting loaded from all of the beer. 


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to look HOT...just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.  

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are
now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach. 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a
good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. **Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili? **
Judge # 3 - No Report.... 

Father and son shark see a boat capsize and four people floating in water. The senior shark sees a good opportunity to teach his son an important lesson.

"OK, here's what we're gonna do. First we swim three circles around them with just our fins sticking out of the water. Ready?"

"Ready" says the junior shark. So they swim three times around the passengers with fins sticking up.

"Good, job", says senoir. "Now this time we do it again, but get a little closer and show them your teeth". So they circle again with teeth showing.

"Good", says senior. "Now we go in and eat to our hearts content". So back they go and chomp away.

While swimming away with their bellies full the junoir shark asks his dad, "What was all that circling about before hand?"

"Oh that. Well they just taste a whole lot better after they get all that shit out of their system"
 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
" Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"

 

What is Celibacy? 
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........  

Apple Store Positive Experience...

Well, I had a good experience at the Apple store today.  My daughter's laptop has been having issues and we let them run a diagnostic.  Apparently, it was the battery.  Once replaced, it appears to operating as good as new.  The geek at the store knew best...


Many chores today and much to accomplish around the house.  A busy weekend.


We watched "Copout" with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan.  After about fifteen minutes we lost all patience with Tracy Morgan's character.  It was, without a doubt, one of Bruce Willis' WORST movies and not worth the free-of-charge that we watched the DVD.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"
"Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago!

The Manitoba Herald
as Reported by Clive Runnels
August 1, 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed
loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.

They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.  

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the
Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert! 

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa . . .

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironing, cookin' and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, is in good health and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then-
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

Another Google Gulp!

Had breakfast with a friend from a job I had about 18 years ago, today.  Nick has a very nice family, a good measure of his success.

Growing too fast ?  Google is buying a company a week.  This is beginning to sound a bit dangerous.  Do they need these companies or are they eliminating possible future competition ?

Bananas and Monkeys
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.
And that, my friends, is how company policies are made. 

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night.

The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.
Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son,
and a gigantic pig who is sporting three medals around his neck,
as well as a wooden leg.

Unable to contain his curiosity he asks, "Would you mind telling
me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little
Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and
started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out
of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we
gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver
medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the
middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the
flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us
up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you

about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks
ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased
that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal
and allowed him to eat with us here in the house."

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating
his meal. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, a pig like that you
don't eat all at once!"