Now that Tiger is officially divorced, maybe he can get his game on again (and play golf too)!
Looks like Fogust finally gave up in favor of August, but now it is almost Fall and school started today!
NEW DOG BREEDS!
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a
hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting
BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting loaded from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to look HOT...just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are
now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a
good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. **Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili? **
Judge # 3 - No Report....
Father and son shark see a boat capsize and four people floating in water. The senior shark sees a good opportunity to teach his son an important lesson.
"OK, here's what we're gonna do. First we swim three circles around them with just our fins sticking out of the water. Ready?"
"Ready" says the junior shark. So they swim three times around the passengers with fins sticking up.
"Good, job", says senoir. "Now this time we do it again, but get a little closer and show them your teeth". So they circle again with teeth showing.
"Good", says senior. "Now we go in and eat to our hearts content". So back they go and chomp away.
While swimming away with their bellies full the junoir shark asks his dad, "What was all that circling about before hand?"
"Oh that. Well they just taste a whole lot better after they get all that shit out of their system"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
" Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........
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