Sunday about...

Nice day today.   We went for a long walk in Isla Vista with Max and watch the high surf coming right up to the bluffs.  Many, many surfers were trying their best to right the big waves.  Coal Oil point was really hopping.  There were a lot of people watching, too!

Went to see Invictus last night.  It was a pretty good "feel-good" movie.  It had very interesting scenery and watching the rugby games was cool.  They are really brutal.

So I'm packed and ready for tomorrow's trip to Dallas (if we end up going)....

"When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all

of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at

funerals."

- Jerry Seinfeld

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who
sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he
was searching for a new head Samurai.

A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the
position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish
Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai
opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his
sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese
Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh -
whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four
pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should
be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match
box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the
fly was still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, "After all of that,
why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled and said,

"Circumcision is not intended to kill."

 

 

Layback Saturday....

Not much going on today... just too tired.

"RU PAUL says it takes him an hour and a half to turn himself
into a woman. So if your woman takes an hour and a half to get
ready, you may be in for a big surprise."
- Jay Leno


A woman was very despondent over not having had sex in quite some
time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never
find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she
decided that it was time to see a doctor.

Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex
therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he
said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away
from me across the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,

"Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said,

"You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever
see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly
what Zachary Disease was and he replied,

"Zachary Disease.... that when your face look ZACHARY rike your
butt!"

 POOR SPIRIT!

Welcome Friday...

Well, all my trip plans are done, except for the fact that we may not go.  I'll find out Monday...  Returning to see Avatar 3D tonight, this time with Steve.  Chances are very good he would not get to see it otherwise and I want to see it again....

WORLD'S WORST FIRST DATE

On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Sept 7,1999, Jay went into the

audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman

ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the

prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy

had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no over night). They

were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The

outing was fun, but relatively uneventful until they were headed

home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the

mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not

have had that extra cafe latte and there was no rest room in the

middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it,

which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there

came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let

her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his

car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car,

yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep

snow she didn't have good footing so she let her butt rest

against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on

the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a

real gentleman and refrained from speaking. All she could think

about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing

nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became

aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the

young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the

car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to

mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to

the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the

humor, she answered her date's concerns about what was taking so

long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and

needed some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to

cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked

imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got

the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,

they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were

faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would taking something

hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the

first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to

get her free so as she looked the other way, her first-time date

proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the

remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and

apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not

see one another again.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down...or

perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing...

Is it too early for spring fever ????

Today I was notified that I have to to Dallas Raytheon on Monday afternoon.  I'll be coming back on Tuesday night.  This may be fun...

We have company (Sue) from Indianapolis visiting for a few days, more fun!

 

Absolutely Beautiful Day

It was just gorgeous today.  The rain really cleaned up the air.  It was crystal clear!

 

Raining again...

Leo Rosten - "Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty."

Dog's Letters to God

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Can we get the Pizza Hut "Meat Lovers" pizza delivered in heaven?
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?
Dear God: May I have my testicles back?

HUH ?

Soooooo?

Monday Monday, so good to me...

A pretty uneventful day today...Tori chatted with me that she had an art class with a nude model today- that's an event!  It is supposed to rain tomorrow, but I can ignore it because sunshine is predicted for Wednesday on out...


One of my favorites...

Story With a Moral

Now I know there's things worse that make cowpunchers curse,
And I reckon it's happened to us all.
Though it's years since, you bet, when I think of it yet,
It still makes my old innards crawl.

I was makin' a ride to bring in one hide
That hadn't showed up in the gather;
I was riding upstream, daydreamin' a dream,
When I caught there was somethin' the matter.

Near some quakin' asp trees, I had caught in the breeze
A stench that was raunchy and mean,
And I reckoned as how it might be the old cow,
So I rode to a bend in the stream.

Shore 'nuff that cow lied in the crick there and died;
Hard tellin' how long she'd been been there.
She was bloated and tight, twas a horrible sight—
She was oozin' and slippin' her hair.

Her eye sockets were alive with maggots that thrive
On dead flesh, putrid yellow and green,
And the hot sun burnin' down, turnin' pink things to brown,
Spewin' oily gunk in the stream.

Well, I spurred upwind fast to get away from the blast
Of the heavy stench the cow made;
And I felt bad seein's how I'd lost the old cow,
And I pulled up near a tree in the shade.

Then I got sick to the core, rememberin' just minutes before
I'd done something that made me feel worse;
Not thirty yards down I'd stepped off to the ground
And drank 'til my belly near burst.

For months after it, just the thought made me spit,
And I'd live it over like a bad dream.
And the moral, I think, is if you must take a drink,
Never, ever remount and ride upstream.                    [Waddie Mitchell]

Fly Larva! [resemble anybody you know?]

Honey-Do List Sunday

 I've been busy all day.  I have yet to take the battery out of the Vette, but replaced the headlights in the truck, sprayed weeds, gave Max a bath, washed the front of the fireplace and went shopping.  Oh, also we took Max for a walk.  So as soon as I empty the dryer, and reload it with the bedsheets, I'll go take out the battery....These are the seeds for the flower in the POTW.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing
unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible... Congress has always prided
themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

You can't even BUY service anymore....

Saturday of closure

This morning we attended Bill McLafferty's services.  I have never been in a room with so many lawyer's and judges, and I didn't realize how obvious they are identified as such.  I confirmed again how much I dislike funerals (I don't like hospitals and banks, but for different reasons).  One of the reasons is that they tend to mind me of my own volatility and vulnerability.  This, I'm sure is a post-50 reaction.  I assume that I will be attending more and more funerals as my friends pass.  I read the obituaries frequently and do see people listed that I know.  Of course, I'm relieved when I don't see my own name... Actually, I think my toughest year was forty-six, because that was the age that my mother died. It was hard for me to accept that I would live longer.  I'm not exactly sure why, but it did.

Unfortunately, weddings and funerals drive me to tears.  Bill's kids did a great job of reminiscing about their dad, which  of course, got me to tears. 

I have never been to a service for a judge, never mind the Grand Knight of the Knight's of Columbus.  Many of the Knights that were in attendance in full regalia, which included feathered hats, bright satin capes and swords.

I learned a lot about Bill that I didn't know.  The most important of which, that I was privileged to have known someone that so

Publish Post

many , many others deemed great.

Snowy Friday...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 -----------------

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure ... that just ain’t so.” — Mark Twain

-----------------

The Potter Philosophy on Exercising

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per
month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


Now unlike Potter, I know that physical exercise is good for you. I've listed below my program of strenuous activities. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush

2) Jumping to conclusions

3) Climbing the walls

4) Swallowing my pride

5) Passing the buck

6) Throwing my weight around

7) Dragging my heels

8) Pushing my luck

9) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Tooting my own horn

17) Climbing the ladder of success

18) Pulling out the stops

19) Adding fuel to the fire

20) Opening a can of worms

21) Putting my foot in my mouth

22) Starting the ball rolling

23) Going over the edge

24) Picking up the pieces

 Happy Exercising!

---------------------------

It was butt-cold this morning. The mountain tops were dusted with snow and the wind was howling.  By the time I got to work (quick stop at the post office to send a box to Tori), it was pouring rain.  I really missed the rain, but not as much as I miss the sun right about now.  I guess we all tend to whine (especially in California) because WE ARE SPOILED!!!

Even wetter thursday....

I know we need the rain, but must we get it all at once ?? I am enoying it somewhat, though.


I miss my daughter.  I worry too much.  I guess it is because she is my last and the youngist.

 

 Chickens anyone ?

How about eggs ?

Wet Wednesday

That REALLY means a day of yacht racing...but not in the current state of the ocean!


Large thunder claps and lightning today.  It was impressive and (once again) emphasizes why we live here.  The occasional "weather" is all we or the infrastructure can tolerate.

=====>  Check out the really unfortunate restaurant names.....Whoops!

Wet Tuesday!

"That usually means the day of a yacht race....but...."




What may look like innocent merchandising has a darker and more serious side.  Say hello, everyone, to the Spongebob Squarepants thermometer.  On the box it reads, "Take temperature by oral, underarm, (axillary), or rectal method."  Rectal method?  You mean I am supposed to shove Spongebob up my kid's pooter?

That's right... it's The Spongebob Squarepants Rectal Thermometer.

Bend over, kiddies!

Then give him a shot of this...

If one don't get him the other will.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd, lastly, but not leastly.... When did they start canning this stuff ?

I laughed so hard, you'd think that I had a bottle of....

Isn't it amazing?  We  had the second of four storms today and it came with a tornado (yes, right here in Goleta)! 

Δευτέρα deutéra

Monday - "The second day..." in Greek

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.  He gets in and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the grand slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them..  But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I have never actually met Frank....  He died ... I'm just married to his f@cking widow!...."

 ----------------------------

Read the wall...

No limos in San Francisco

Went to The Nugget in Goleta for lunch on Friday.  The place was nice inside, especially since the reopened the windows all around.  The menu is much larger than the one online for Summerland.  Mike had a burger which he said was good.  Pete and I had pulled pork sandwiches.  They were also very tasty, but a bit short on filling.  The fries were exceptional.  Unfortunately, the iced tea was very weak and the waitress commented that that was the way they made it.


I remembered that when I was much younger, that building began as Pizza-Time Theater.  The pizza was average, but the old time movies (like Keystone Kops and Chaplin) kept running all day.  They eventually went out of business and Arby's moved in.  That was a mistake from inception. 


The Nugget is probably the best use of the building since it was built.  Still, a bit $$$ for lunch in Goleta.

Weather fit for duck!

Took Tori back to Oxy today.  Driving back was a big mess.  Many accidents on the road and stupid people driving too fast.  It was coming down in buckets!

I miss her already....

 

 

The world's easiest quiz... or is it?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 Answers to the quiz

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fur.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the

wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called

Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Sad Day

This morning I read that a friend of mine passed away last evening, Bill McLafferty.  I never met anyone that could say anything bad about him.  He was an honorable man  whose opinions and judgment were highly respected enough to have him appointed as a Superior Court Judge.

Our family would make a special trip to see his Christmas decorations each year.  They were all home-made wooden scenes that Bill thoroughly enjoyed making and putting up each year.

He leaves a large family and loving wife of many, many years.  His passing, I'm sure, was a great shock to all.  It will take another very special person to ever fill his shoes.

"Sixth Day"

Quakers traditionally refer to Friday as "Sixth Day" eschewing the pagan origins of the name.

I was really ready for Friday to get here- too much stress during the week.  Tonight is Cincinnati Chili night and I'm excited!  Tomorrow we have to get Tori ready to return to Oxy and Sunday (probably in the rain), we will move her back into the dorm.

Now on to some funny business.....

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.
From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.