Well the sale day came and went, with the telltale reminder every time I enter the garage, being that it is empty. Yesterday was my yearly volunteer effort at helping out at the local Lemon Festival and Classic Car Show. My eyes did tear up when the old Corvettes began parading in. My throat swelled and making that timely swallow was a bit more difficult. I made it throughout the show and my judging efforts, but not without the heavy thoughts of replacement of that which I have given up, possibly even with a different marque...
Walking...
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
Redneck Etiquette
On Driving:
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider it unsafe, if not downright stupid...
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while driving.
On Personal Hygiene:
It is best to partake in some form of personal hygiene.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN keys.
The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never should one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.
While Entertaining in Your Home:
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
On Dating:
If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
On Attending The Theatre:
For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
On Wedding Attendance:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from bringing a date.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. It's just too hard to explain...
Etiquette for All Occasions:
Never take alcohol to a job interview, and especially don't offer it to the interviewer.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church.
Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.
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