Ponderings at being thankful as we end this year...

Sorry I haven't been making more time to blog, but there is only so much time in the day...

I am having a tremendous amount of fun "inventing" every day at my new jobs.  They both keep me on my toes.  Unfortunately, the amount of time I can put in on each is very different.  I feel that the one that pays deserves more of my "fresh" mind and gets the better part of each day.  By Friday evening, I am exhausted.  I am usually at work close to seven and try to get off by six that night.  It is a whole new experience to work in a "flat" environment, shoulder to shoulder with the CEO and other company officers.  We are all shareholders and strive for success, but many of these guys live on the endorphins of involvement where the rubber-meets-the-road.  I am so very happy to be contributing again rather than languishing at home trying fruitlessly to find a position that I can possibly apply for (if I can morph into those unreasonable job requirements), AND THEN get them to notice my application.

Depression is not one of my frequent states, but it was happening more and more.  I have a lot to be grateful for after a bad year of struggling to find my new life.

Meanwhile, my daughter has visited a specialist in L.A. that claims that her kind of injury is healable.  That is wonderful news.  She had a bunch of tests and has to return for more specific ones.  This doctor's office looks like a sports memorabilia store.  He is the official orthopedist for the Lakers, Dodgers and Padres, as well as numerous Olympic competitors.  He claims to be able to get free tickets to any sporting event.  He is pretty expensive and doesn't take insurance, so it is a good thing that I have a job again...

As for the new year, I am looking forward to the day when my daughter is pain-free.  I am looking forward to being able to replace my sports car.  I am looking forward to Colbert replacing Letterman.  There are a lot of things to be thankful for in the new year, and a lot of work.

Thoughts to Ponder

Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Play on Words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes in verse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

11. When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You will feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into a song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours ...and it 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory.. which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeat.

Age, by George Carlin

-- Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

-- "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

-- You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

-- "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony... YOU BECOME 21. YES!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

-- You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How to Stay Young:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

A new era begins...

There hasn't been any blog entries for a while because I have been so busy AND I wanted to be able to post something positive [this has become a necessity for me since negativity breeds depression and I didn't need anymore of that].

About two weeks ago the President and CEO of the company that I have been contracting with went for a jog and didn't return.  This very nice and smart man of 49 years liked to run on trails and must have (I don't know the actual details) had a heart attack where there was no help available.  This definitely put a dark gloom over everyone that knew him and that I worked with.

I was expecting (someday) to maybe interview with him about a position at this company.  At that point, I had no idea what my future held for me.

The CTO and one of the founders of the company stepped in and took control.  This guy is very intelligent technically and also has a track record for success with at least two previous ventures locally.

A week ago last Wednesday, he and the Senior Technologist pulled chairs up to where I was working and inquired whether I would like a position as a manufacturing software developer, and pass the software quality assurance to somebody else.  I agreed (in principle) and had an offer in my hand by the next day.  The offer was very good and put me very close to where I was at my previous job, AND provided a piece of the company that would vest in a year.  Not only was I overwhelmed by the offer from out of the blue, but jumped at a chance to be a developer again AND be part of an exciting new venture that is very quick moving.  It is becoming very successful in a hurry.

As of last Monday, I am a regular employee.  Let me tell you how very close I was to applying for unemployment again.  In California, we are only entitled to six months of coverage, then we have to wait six months before we can apply again.  I had been unemployed for just under a year.

The employment picture is gloomy locally (to say the least).  The types of businesses that I have experience within, have dwindled to very, very few.  Since they depend on defense dollars, which are being pinched by the current government trending to end wars (at least the existing ones).  It got to the point that I was no longer worried about not getting responses from companies that I applied to, but more trying to find positions to apply for.  I expanded my range from Camarillo to VAFB, but it only added a few options, and if the panned out, it would mean a serious commute.

On Monday, the CEO (who I report to) outlined a new software project for a manufacturing cell that I would be working on. [This is fun stuff!]  Working for a commercial company now means that the customer base and trade shows are pushing our schedule instead of government contracts.

Another cool aspect is that when we determine that we have a need, we go buy it (if local) or order it online.  There are no requisitions to fill out.  BTW, there are no timecards or charge numbers either.  Verrry interesting!

Shopping
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."

Map
Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?"

 

Names
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.

The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

Falling Apart
There's quite an art to falling apart ....
as these years go by.
And life Doesn't begin at 40 ....
That's a Big Fat Lie!

My hair's gettin' thinner ....
my Body is Not.
The few Teeth I have ....
are beginning to Rot!

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub ....
Not Chanel #5.
My new Pacemaker's all ....
that keepin' me alive!

When asked of my past ....
Every Detail I'll know.
But what was I doin' ....
just 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the Idea ....
what More can I say?
I'm off to read the Obits ....
like I do every Day.

If my name is not there ....
I'll once again Start -
Perfecting the Art ....
Of Falling Apart!

But til' That Last Curtain ....
Decides to Fall,
I'm gonna' have ....
Myself a Ball!

Making it work...

So we had our little midterm elections and you were all instructed to "throw the bums out".  At this point, since we had a "wave" election, it appears as though some of you listened.  It is still undetermined as to exactly whether the correct set of bums were thrown out.  Methinks, the bounty was mixed, so obviously we all have different perspectives on who the bums are.  The next two years will show us how right or how wrong our choices were, so PAY ATTENTION!

Meanwhile, time is marching along into the Christmas season. It is extremely difficult to actually fathom that, as we are still having summer weather, and there doesn't appear (in the foreseeable future) that it will change very much.

On the home front, we have been experiencing a "cleansing" of all of the experienced appliances and hardware in our house.  First the sprinkler timer, then the washer and dryer, then the front door handle/lock, then the fridge and yesterday I replaced the garbage disposal.  Soon we will have totally refreshed all of the items in our house that we did not expect to give up the ghost so soon.

Everything now has a planned obsolescence timetable.  Most of the items are disposable rather than repairable.  Those of us that do get them repaired, quickly find out that other repairs will be needed soon after, or the cost of repair makes no sense, as it is almost the cost of replacement.  What a world they have painted us into...

 TEMPERATURE
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."

You know you are a redneck if...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You! go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Buying Fabric

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Funny Signs
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.

Halloween Rainout

Things have been going better than "swell" on both of my positions, and my free time is filled with all of my household duties.  Lately, the appliances and home hardware have been giving up.  So far, replaced the washer and dryer, home computer, microwave oven, front door lock and handle, and most recently, the fridge.  We managed to get a very good deal at the end of the model year on a floor model, about half-price. 

We scoured that fridge to be sure there were no damages, since it was sitting on the showroom floor for about a month.  We didn't find any damage.  I casually mentioned to the salsman that I would cover my hardwood floors when the delivery occurred.  He said not too worry because they use a dolly with soft inflated tires.

The delivery showed up and the fridge had a new scratch on the handle.  Apparently they did not protect it while it was in the truck. They are sending me a new handle to replace it.

They did not show up with the aforementioned special dolly, so it was good that I covered the path to/from the kitchen with cardboard for the delivery.  Interestingly enough, the deliveryman commented that it was a good idea so that his dolly would leave marks or scratches on the floor.

Why should I believe anything that the salesman said?  Aren't they basically on par with car salesmen?

Well, Halloween came and went very fast, as we received about an inch and a half of rain that evening.  We have a lot of candy left over.  I'm glad the little kids (which matter more in this case) come out very early, in fact before the rain...

Interesting Facts
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico

volcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

Turkey Survival
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........" 

Surprise Indeed!

Surprise! Surprise!  I have been very busy working at a start-up company that I have been promised equity in [when the ship comes in].  Unfortunately, that did not have a salary attached.  A recently retired friend that is working at another startup called me on a Tuesday evening at 6:30 p.m. and said that they needed me as a consultant beginning at 8:00 a.m. the next morning.  I am having a great time working with a great bunch of people, a team that really wants success.  Everyone works very hard long hours.  It almost makes me feel guilty when I leave.  I can justify that because I don't want to appear selfish and work over forty hours per week unless I am particularly asked to. 

Meanwhile, since they haven't given me a key, or the alarm code, I really can't be the first one in or the last one out.  Since, I am not an equity partner there, I only have my hourly fee to maintain, and while the company's success is very important to me, I do not have a monetary stake.

I have been so busy that I have ignored the blog, at least for the short term.  The emails about job opportunities have mounted up in my account to the point that they were mostly too old to matter much.  Today, I created rules in my email account to delete those emails as they arrive.  I did that so that I can turn them back on, if the need arises, without all the hassle of re-applying.

I has been very good for me to get back to work.  I have more energy and my mind is racing.  My attitude towards everyday life has done a flip-flop.  It is something that I am used to.  I needed a reason to get up in the morning.

And now the next page of my career is being filled out, AND I MISS MY VETTE!

Bad Timing 
A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.

Sooo.....Father O'Brian decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival......

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I ever heard here.

Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.

"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation."

Now that is bad timing.

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay

Birthday Gift
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday."

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it...

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

They all look alike, but they are not...

I have recently found myself checking out other cars on the road, as though it is a buffet.  This one has this problem or that one has that problem.  I have it pretty narrowed down to two categories: practical and fun.  At my age, I am leaning towards fun...

Any measurable progress in any direction has been slight, if that much.  It is easy to say you are looking for a job, but in my case, I am looking for a position that I can apply for.  They are very few and far between, which says a lot for the "don't retire at 62, keep working crowd".  It will be difficult to perform on that unless we severely lower our footprint in outlay each month.

One would certainly think that the US needs more munitions and security equipment, considering the Whitehouse breach and the bombing in Syria and Iraq.  That should have a large impact on the creation of jobs.  Funny how we have made this big loop, ending now where we should have been all along- not on the ground!

Drawing God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

Class Pictures
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

Stupid True Headlines
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

- Farmer Bill Dies in House

- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

- Stud Tires Out

- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

- Eye Drops off Shelf

- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

- Include your Children When Baking Cookies

- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Miners Refuse to Work after Death

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- Stolen Painting Found by Tree

- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

- War Dims Hope for Peace

- If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

As if it would never happen...

Last Tuesday was a "face the music" kind of day.  While halfheartedly I have had my Corvette up for sale for two years, it hasn't been serious enough of an effort that I would have expected to pan out.  It is like I knew that I had to sell it, but I really didn't want to.  Over the years it has come to be part of my identity and a very enjoyable side pleasure to shine it and occasionally drive it.  I say that because I guarded the mileage to be enough to keep everything in working order, but not to "rack up" too fast.  Low mileage for a fifty-three year old car was a big selling point.

Well the sale day came and went, with the telltale reminder every time I enter the garage, being that it is empty.  Yesterday was my yearly volunteer effort at helping out at the local Lemon Festival and Classic Car Show.  My eyes did tear up when the old Corvettes began parading in.  My throat swelled and making that timely swallow was a bit more difficult.  I made it throughout the show and my judging efforts, but not without the heavy thoughts of replacement of that which I have given up, possibly even with a different marque...

 Walking...

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Redneck Etiquette
 
On Driving:
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider it unsafe, if not downright stupid...

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while driving.

On Personal Hygiene:
It is best to partake in some form of personal hygiene.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN keys.

The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never should one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.

While Entertaining in Your Home:
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

On Dating:
If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

On Attending The Theatre:
For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

On Wedding Attendance:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from bringing a date.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. It's just too hard to explain...

Etiquette for All Occasions:
Never take alcohol to a job interview, and especially don't offer it to the interviewer.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church.

Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.

My two cents....or more...

Another 9/11 has gone by.  I can't help but to expect that there will be some sort of attack attempt on the homeland by the extremists of ISIS anytime soon.  It is such a waste to attempt to drive a 21st century population back to a 7th century culture and by using methods that are contrary to all Muslim beliefs.  These people are just wrong, very wrong.  We cannot sit idly by and let this continue unfettered.  I am glad that the POTUS has put together a coalition (especially containing Arab countries) to go after these animals. ISIS is funding their efforts by raping Iraq of its oil profits.  IMHO, therein lies the solution.  Not only do we need to stop them, but we must cut off their monetary support.  Also, anyone that trades with them has already picked which side of the issue they are on.  Cut off the head of the snake next, and the whole of them will surrender to Allah.

So much for those nasty current events.  They get my blood pressure up (and my ire).  I am trying very hard to be positive and not dwell on my current predicament.  Eviction procedures have begun to get the elephant out.

 

I am in the process (once again) of re-branding myself to better fit into the opportunities as they present themselves.

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.   --Janis Joplin-- 

Loudspeaker
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency." All our confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."

It's a mad , mad world...

So the "quietness" to the job market during the "end of summer" is over.  Now, positions that were offered and  my application not yet acted upon are being re-thought by those companies.  The business that they expected hasn't shown yet or the department has decided to go into a different direction.  Bottom line: my pipeline of applications is probably empty now.  It is time to re-spin my resume and letter of introduction (at least through a process of natural evolution, if nothing else), and stretch into a possible fit into another offered position.  There are so few of them that is is really discouraging and depressing, but the choice is not mine.

Meanwhile my Corvette is once again listed in the Montecito market and is receiving some attention-, at least "lookee-loo" attention.  One guy came and drove the car, loved it and then decided he was going to pursue a red one that was similarly equipped.  Thanks for taking up my time, gasoline, and efforts.  I'm glad (sic) that I could be of service - NOT.  When I advertise, I asked for serious buyers only to call.  I guess he was serious, but not about my car...

I go "great guns" at processing position-offerings in the morning.  By afternoon, I am depressed and wondering if that was the last technical job that I was going to ever have.  Funny, because in my estimation, the last work that I did was some of my best.  The result worked, was showy and very fast.  I was happy with the results and they surpassed what was expected.  A year later, it is still being used on a 24-7 basis, and working as desired. I truly don't want it to be the end of my "work" days, but at the very least, it was a success.

Meanwhile, it appears that the world is falling apart, between Ukraine vs. Russia, ISIS vs Iraq, ISIS vs Syria, ISIS vs USA, overzealous police in the US, weird weather all over, Ebola, and all the other crises the world around.  There is that things in general always seem to get worse just when we think they are getting better- even if it is just for a short time...

You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

-Robin Williams

Father's Lesson
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.

His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

Whoops...
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath room changing out of her hospital gown." 

How rude...

I make a point of never ever being late.  If I was or couldn't make an appointment, I would try many different ways, if necessary, to make contact and apologize.  That being said, I recently decided to be more active in my pursuit of a buyer for my Vette.  My wife suggested putting an ad in a local weekly throwaway.  I was happy at the response I got in the first few days.  After trading emails and phone calls with one perspective buyer (who genuinely appeared very interested), we made an appointment for him to come over and see the car.  

I went through the usual detailing effort, and actually I had set the whole day aside because of him coming that afternoon.  I waited and waited.  I remembered that I had given him my cell number in case he got lost.  He never showed up.

I started to send him an email detailing how inconsiderate he was, but then I remembered that he had my address, my email address, house phone and cell phone.  He could make my life miserable if I pissed him off, or worse, he could steal the car!

This new found cultural attitude sucks.  People are just not courteous anymore.  For some reason (beyond me) they think it is no longer necessary or desirable.  These, of course, are the same people that fight us for a parking space at Christmas, or throw trash out their window, or change lanes (or turn) without signalling.  They fit into a whole new category of people that probably didn't exist in a previous generation.  Stupid usually cures itself, but rude and inconsiderate just appears to keep bouncing along...

Modern Medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...:

St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..."

Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

The Future
A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

Shyness?

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"

The Future

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Contracted to Die

So recently my "smart" phone turned into a brick (i.e. a paperweight). Putting aside all the issues with replacement; why wouldn't one expect an expensive piece of electronics to at least last until the contract is over?  It was warrantied for a year.  At seven months, it died and was replaced.  After another seven months, the replacement died.  That doesn't say much for Chinese manufacturing.  I would expect that they would manufacture the phone to last for a few months past the end of the contract.  At any rate, I have resurrected some of our old phones (none of which are smart, but they still work) and am using it until the contract is over.  Consequently, this may be the LAST time that the carriers (in this case AT&T) get to contract with me.  I think I will head in the NO-CONTRACT direction next time.  Why do I need a contract anyway.  The carriers need contracts because their subscribers would surely desert them sooner than a contract duration because of their poor service and junky phones.

Ordering Coffee

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

--Join every free banner exchange.

--Get your own free-for-all links page.

--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

--Hire a bulk emailer.

--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

A Mother's Vocabulary
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

10 Things a Mother Doesn't Want to Hear
1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain?

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window?

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I'm moving out.

Rental Car

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.

Facts from the 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence, the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence, the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence, the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence, the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!!! 

Dog Days

It is a sad, sad summer, without a doubt.  War, drought, floods, disease, suffering, mental illness being expressed through violence or suicide.  Is there an external influence?  The super-moons, the global warming, who knows.  I just know that it is becoming intolerable.

Sadness at the fate of Robin Williams (R.I.P.).  Why are the most creative and funny always requiring drugs to contend with the world's stresses? Why are they always trying to escape from their successes?  The four best friends, Williams, Kaufman, Belushi, and Reeve are together again...

THE PARKING TICKET
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.

Riders

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

Quick Funnies

"Mom and I went and saw 'The Passion'. This is the third time Mom and I have seen it. We've seen it so many times that we're now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night. At the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there's a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That's not right." --David Letterman

---

A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..."

---

It was 18 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.

Computer Novices
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

An Addiction
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Cooking Dictionary
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.


Tidbits
I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"

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"Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood." --Amy Yasbeck as Peggy Brandt in "The Mask".

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"This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!" --Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Big Daddy."


Taking a Walk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

Quick Quotes
"My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather." --Jackie Mason

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"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon

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"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." --Rodney Dangerfield

Blues Names
Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.

First List:

A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List:

A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List:

A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison

Make sure you tell your friends what their Blues Names are.