Viva!

We are currently having a local heritage celebration called "La Fiesta".  The town goes all out to attract tourists and suck them dry.  There is a huge parade [largest equestrian parade west of the Mississippi], Spanish style Mercados, much drinking, much dancing, a rodeo and many celebrations for almost any reason.  I used to go to the nightly show at the Courthouse sunken garden, the parade, the bands playing on temporary stages on blocked off streets.  Now I am happy to avoid the drunks, extra cops imported from other cities and hoards of tourists, just to have a nice Mexican dinner at a restaurant (not downtown) and toast to "Viva la Fiesta"!

I firmly believe and repeatedly say that the city does not need to do anything special to attract tourists, just make it nice for residents and the tourists will come anyway.

They don't listen to me...

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Hebronics
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains,
'In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with 'sh' or 'shm' at the beginning: 'Mountains, shmountains. Stay away!! You want a nosebleed?'

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: 'It's beautiful, that dress.'

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: 'Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.'

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: 'What time is it?'
English answer: 'Sorry, I don't know.'
Hebronic response: 'What am I, a clock?'

Remark: 'I hope things turn out okay.'
English answer: 'Thanks.'
Hebronic response: 'I should be so lucky!'

Remark: 'Hurry up. Dinner's ready.'
English answer: 'Be right there.'
Hebronic response: 'Alright already, I'm coming.
What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?'

Remark: 'I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the t ime.'
English answer: 'Glad you like it.'
Hebronic response: 'So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?'

Remark: 'Sarah and I are engaged.'
English answer: 'Congratulations!'
Hebronic response: 'She could stand to lose a few pounds.'

Question: 'Would you like to go horseback riding with us?'
English answer: 'Just say when.'
Hebronic response: 'Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?'

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: 'Happy birthday'
Hebronic response: 'A year smarter you should become.'

Remark: 'It's a beau tiful day.'
English answer: 'Sure is.'
Hebronic response: 'So the sun is out; what else is new?'

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: 'It's been a while since you called.'
Hebronic response: 'You didn't wonder if already I'm dead?'

Custody Battle

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor, Child should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says: "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? The machine’s or mine?"