Syrian Strife

It is really unfortunate that sometimes when you really want to do the right thing, obstacles are put in your way to dissuade you and try to convince you that the correct action should not be guided by what is right and just.  History will reflect on the Syrian crisis with Obama trying to do the right and just thing for the Syrian people, but the means to accomplish that action includes military actions which most people have had more than enough of.  He is obviously between a rock and a hard place, and there isn't an obvious solution to the problem, which is one reason that we have stayed out of their civil war for the last two and a half years. The whole region is rife with unrest and is ready to explode into one big war. IMHO we should not light that fuse at this time....

Being Green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained,

“We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Way too much driving for a vacation...

I'm not sure what it is, but on each and every one of our stops, whether for fuel or for the evening, the little town we stopped in between here and Weed, contained an old movie theater names State.  Even Santa Barbara had a State theater when I was a kid.  This night shot above was taken in Auburn.  It is so appropriate that a movie from 1951 was playing (my birth year).  The marquee on this one particularly caught my attention, with bright and fast moving neon lights.

Many of the other ones that I saw were in the daylight, and were painted in pretty boring color combinations, like they were trying to hide the gargantuan buildings.

Being that I saw so many with the same name, I wondered whether it was a coincidence or if they were part of a chain of theaters.

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Diary of a Sad Dog

Dear Diary – It has occurred to me today that my dearest human has never sniffed my backside. I must bond with him in different ways. Like my father always used to say, if you want someone to look you in the eye make sure that your mouth smells exactly like your butt. It’s difficult to argue with that logic and so I have eaten some rotting earthworms in preparation for my dear human’s return, as well as one of his socks.

Dear Diary – it’s not so much that I miss my testicles; I know it’s a rite of passage in our pack and I’m sure that my dearest human has had his removed as well but when that one bulldog comes to the dog park and parades his testicles around I can’t help but notice how Ginger looks at them. I love Ginger. To be fair I will admit he has a fine smelling butt.

Dear Diary– the cat is a curious magical creature. It’s as if a teddybear mated with a cactus and it’s much less fun to play with then it would appear and yet it poops delicious candy into a box of pee flavored sprinkles. Dearest human guards these treats jealously, often harvesting them into a barrel, but I will admit that I sneak one from time to time. They are delicious, forgive me.

Dear Diary– this is the 733rd day that I have tried to test what cat swore to me was true; namely, that if you hump anything long enough you will find a flower. So far the results have been mixed. My dearest human’s leg flower has not revealed itself. However I’m almost certain that I felt something on the brown teddy bear. More tests are needed.

Dear Diary – I have yet to see my dearest human poop anywhere, I suspect he may not know how. I have resolved to teach him when we patrol the neighborhood each day in search of man with hats and beards. It is embarrassing to do in public but he must learn somehow, I fear he will die of constipation If don’t succeed. Fortunately my dearest human seems to show some interest and is now collecting my feces in a small bag. Soon.

Dear Diary - I must be more careful when licking myself. My dearest human seems sensitive about it, most likely because he is incapable of licking his own. As always I am in awe of his ability to be so noble despite what I can imagine are filthy, filthy. He hides them everyday.

Dear Diary - Today I have added a fourth circle to my pre-pooping ritual. As before the first circle is to verify that I do in fact need to poop. The second is to check for gremlins and men with beards and hats. The third is to re-verify my need for pooping, and now the fourth is to honor my newly deceased toy stuffed llama. Rest in peace, I didn’t mean to shake your head off.

Dear Diary - I told the cat about how my dearest human has promoted me, teaching me to shake hands so I can participate in his business dealings. However, cat pointed out that I am often unaware of what I am shaking on. For example, when I shook the neighbor's hand this morning, I have no clue what I agreed to, none. Cat says this is how the devil buys souls. I will pee on the bed for comfort.

Dear Diary - My dearest human asked me where the ball was when it was clearly in plain sight. I brought it over and he threw it even farther away then asked me where it was and was very happy when I brought it again; perhaps a metaphor? Dearest human leaves each day and I am happy when he returns wait, maybe he is the ball and I am dearest human this is too much... I must pee on the bed. 

Tahoe Bound...

So believe it or not, we are "ready" for a vacation, but we are not really prepared at this time.  I have vacation time forwarded from last year and if I don't take it soon, I will lose it.  Consequently, we are taking a jaunt to assist Tori in picking up Aidan from the Headwaters Outdoor school on the outskirts of Mt. Shasta City and heading for South Lake Tahoe. 

It is really amazing how much we do every day without thinking about it.  When we go on a trip, we have do make preparations for those things to happen while we are gone.  It gets to be a long list.  On the top of the list, the dog has to go to doggy camp.  The bills need to be paid in advance.  The plants need a healthy drink.  The lawn needs to be cut. Clothes have to be packed.  The car needs servicing, and so on.

We are all embedded in an anxiety and stress producing position.  It is no wonder that we need a vacation. The original plan called for us flying away to some far off place, but this year, that didn't happen.  I'll save my hope for next year...

Dealing With Telemarketers

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

(This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOSH!” and then hang up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” and proceed to hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Three Women Spice Up Their Relationship

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 plus years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

THE “Y” CHROMOSOME
People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

Just thought you might want to know "Y"
 

Viva!

We are currently having a local heritage celebration called "La Fiesta".  The town goes all out to attract tourists and suck them dry.  There is a huge parade [largest equestrian parade west of the Mississippi], Spanish style Mercados, much drinking, much dancing, a rodeo and many celebrations for almost any reason.  I used to go to the nightly show at the Courthouse sunken garden, the parade, the bands playing on temporary stages on blocked off streets.  Now I am happy to avoid the drunks, extra cops imported from other cities and hoards of tourists, just to have a nice Mexican dinner at a restaurant (not downtown) and toast to "Viva la Fiesta"!

I firmly believe and repeatedly say that the city does not need to do anything special to attract tourists, just make it nice for residents and the tourists will come anyway.

They don't listen to me...

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Hebronics
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains,
'In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with 'sh' or 'shm' at the beginning: 'Mountains, shmountains. Stay away!! You want a nosebleed?'

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: 'It's beautiful, that dress.'

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: 'Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.'

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: 'What time is it?'
English answer: 'Sorry, I don't know.'
Hebronic response: 'What am I, a clock?'

Remark: 'I hope things turn out okay.'
English answer: 'Thanks.'
Hebronic response: 'I should be so lucky!'

Remark: 'Hurry up. Dinner's ready.'
English answer: 'Be right there.'
Hebronic response: 'Alright already, I'm coming.
What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?'

Remark: 'I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the t ime.'
English answer: 'Glad you like it.'
Hebronic response: 'So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?'

Remark: 'Sarah and I are engaged.'
English answer: 'Congratulations!'
Hebronic response: 'She could stand to lose a few pounds.'

Question: 'Would you like to go horseback riding with us?'
English answer: 'Just say when.'
Hebronic response: 'Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?'

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: 'Happy birthday'
Hebronic response: 'A year smarter you should become.'

Remark: 'It's a beau tiful day.'
English answer: 'Sure is.'
Hebronic response: 'So the sun is out; what else is new?'

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: 'It's been a while since you called.'
Hebronic response: 'You didn't wonder if already I'm dead?'

Custody Battle

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor, Child should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says: "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? The machine’s or mine?"